The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning (2007) [Unrated] – DVD

The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning (2007) [Unrated] – DVD

*/**** Image B- Sound A Extras D
starring Jonathan Bennett, Randy Wayne, April Scott, Christopher McDonald
written by Shane Morris
directed by Robert Berlinger

by Ian Pugh Jay Chandrasekhar’s The Dukes of Hazzard is not one of the worst movies ever made, but it’s almost certainly one of the most depressing. As it essentially amounts to an episode of the eponymous television series given to brief flashes of self-awareness, it reveals itself as a Beckett-esque nightmare in which the characters have been granted a dim perception that they’re trapped in a world of hate and marginalization (particularly in regards to Daisy’s contemplation of her uselessness except as eye candy) with no means of escape. In the hands of television hack Robert Berlinger, The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning (hereafter Dukes 2) is a loose prequel to some hybrid of the movie/TV franchise that jettisons Chandrasekhar’s brushes with the fourth wall in favour of an “ignorance is bliss” policy that ends up being only marginally less depressing. The film encompasses the story of how teenage cousins Bo (Jonathan Bennett) and Luke Duke (Randy Wayne) left a promising future of generic juvenile delinquency, cobbled together The General Lee, popped their cherries, and found themselves in a never-ending cycle of car chases and frat-boy leering. Never mind that “The Dukes of Hazzard” rarely bothered to rationalize its own exploitation of those small-screen vices–the prequel applies more of the same and seems to promise countless adventures to come, but really it just represents an entry point into that oppressive, infinite loop. It’s a moment of stark inevitability comparable to another, similarly titled prequel (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning) and its sad march into the void of madness.

Rally ‘Round the Flag, Boys! (1958) + The Awful Truth (1937) – DVDs

RALLY ‘ROUND THE  FLAG, BOYS!
**½/**** Image A Sound B+ Extras D+

starring Paul Newman, Joanne Woodward, Joan Collins, Jack Carson
screenplay by Claude Binyon and Leo McCarey
directed by Leo McCarey

by Travis Mackenzie Hoover I have conflicting feelings about Leo McCarey’s Rally ‘Round the Flag, Boys!. Part of me thinks it’s a professional, well-crafted comedy that happily stops just this side of vulgarity; another part of me wishes it had actually crossed into the land of the vulgar and settled in Frank Tashlin’s hometown. To its advantage, it’s an extremely polished film with a nice feeling for shape and colour that’s very well acted in all the major roles. But I still wish that someone like Tashlin had directed it and turned it into the rowdy shambles it so desperately wants to be.

Ratatouille (2007)

****/****
written and directed by Brad Bird 

by Walter Chaw Brad Bird’s latest film Ratatouille is the auteur’s affirmation that it’s possible, no matter the station, to find genius among the rabble. It’s charmingly egalitarian, this idea that any class or creed can produce the next Einstein or Baryshnikov, and it seems a direct response to the critics of his The Incredibles, who would say that that superhero film’s mantra of “if everyone is super, no one is” is an embodiment of intolerance and classism. Ratatouille‘s answer is a lot like the one offered by Bird’s feature debut, The Iron Giant: that not only is it possible to overcome one’s basic programming, but also that choice supersedes predestination and, moreover, that a basic morality governs the actions of all things. A lot to put on the doorstep of a film about a rat, Remy (voiced by Patton Oswalt), who wishes he could be a chef in the kitchen of idol Gasteau (Brad Garrett)–but Bird, in the course of just three films (and stints with “The Simpsons” and “The Critic”), has forged a pretty formidable ideology based on, of all alien things, the sociology of common sense. Some people are more gifted than others, some people are assholes, and most people are idiots; just as an understanding of race and gender comes with the acceptance of basic differences, so, too, does understanding within a culture only come through a similar acceptance that some people are super and others are simply background.

Rescue Me: The Complete Third Season (2006) – DVD

Rescue Me: The Complete Third Season (2006) – DVD

Image A Sound A Extras C
“Devil,” “Discovery,” “Torture,” “Sparks,” “Chlamydia,” “Zombies,” “Satisfaction,” “Karate,” “Pieces,” “Retards,” “Twilight,” “Hell,” “Beached”

by Walter Chaw SPOILER WARNING IN EFFECT. As much a product of our post-apocalypse as “Deadwood”, “Rescue Me”, like that David Milch masterpiece, is about the flattening of society and the reconstruction of it according to masculine, animal logic. Indeed, it’s a good argument that society has never been constructed any other way. As such, the series, Denis Leary and writing partner Peter Tolan’s brainchild and baby, demonstrates a wonderful insight into the male psyche: how it deals with grief, as well as its caveman attitude towards women. The two things are compatible, after all, and authors no less than Faulkner and Freud eventually gave up trying to write women. The only sensible thing is to let the nightmare of “Rescue Me”‘s exuberant misogyny wash over like a warm tide; why fight it? I’ve had a hard time watching Leary without wishing that they’d cast him as Garth Ennis’s John Constantine, but it occurred to me some time in the middle of “Rescue Me”‘s third season that Leary’s firefighter Tommy Gavin is as close to a consort of the devil as Constantine ever was. Perhaps closer. Tommy’s infernal, even demonic (I see that now), and the show he haunts is a very specific vision of a very personal hell. Women are bitch goddesses here: temptresses of mysterious purpose who reward misdeeds, punish valour, and steal children. They’re succubae that distribute venereal diseases and, worse, get pregnant. I wonder if the premise of the whole shebang is that nobody survived 9/11–that no matter the misdeed, Tommy is rewarded with gardens of earthly delight, the price being that he lives with ghosts in an empty city that periodically bursts into flame.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) + Evan Almighty (2007)

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

½*/****
starring Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis
screenplay by Don Payne
directed by Tim Story

EVAN ALMIGHTY
½*/****
starring Steve Carell, Morgan Freeman, Lauren Graham, John Goodman
screenplay by Steve Oedekerk
directed by Tom Shadyac

by Walter Chaw The question arises as to whether the choice for comic book adaptations has to be between “existentially tortured” and “dumb as a bag of hammers.” It’s a given on which extreme Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (hereafter FF2), already lauded for being blissfully free of gravitas and subtext, resides; what’s troubling is the underlying inference of this philosophy: that people deserve and want entertainment that’s beneath them. It’s easier by far to condemn the audience as morons, forking over their cash like roughneck flyovers voting for Big Business, but I prefer to look at the situation as a tragedy–a by-product of a generation of fervent anti-intellectualism that’s made smart people afraid to question their own judgment. Far from a malady unique to Hollywood, it’s more a reflection of the culture that would elect someone most perceive to be, if not outright stupider, then certainly more thoughtless, than themselves to the highest office in the land. Discouraged to exercise the foundational, instinctively American inclination to criticize our leadership, we’re left without enough of a nutsack to properly place a work of art in its social context. I’d offer that FF2 is a symptom of a potentially mortal illness, another being the ghettoizing of the idea of “nuance.”

Surf’s Up (2007)

**½/****
screenplay by Don Rhymer and Ash Brannon & Chris Buck & Chris Jenkins
directed by Ash Brannon & Chris Buck

by Walter Chaw I guess it’s fair to say that Ash Brannon (Toy Story 2) and Chris Buck’s mockumentary Surf’s Up is a successful send-up of the Endless Summer-style documentary recently revived by Stacy Peralta’s Riding Giants–but its triumph as such is relegated to so microscopic a genre that its usefulness as satire is negligible. It might delight a few guys who revere Bruce Brown’s waterlogged hagiographies or, closer to the vein, the handful of folks who’ll actually recognize that surf legends Kelly Slater and Rob Machado make cameos–but we’re a long way here from a roomful of toys coming to life when their owner is gone, and while it’s tempting to laud Surf’s Up for being ambitious, it’s frustrating that the picture has to dedicate a tedious amount of time to the usual slapstick gags just to apologize for its obscure premise. Far from condemning it as the next Shrek, though, I’d say the worst thing about Surf’s Up is that it’s clever enough to leave you expecting more–and inoffensive enough (unless scenes of a primitive tribe of cannibal penguins can somehow be traced back to Native-fear flicks or intolerance towards Polynesians) to leave you wishing some of the “nuggets” its anachronistic Chicken Joe (Jon Heder, in the first performance of his career that didn’t leave me wanting to punch his mother) mentions were in more obvious display in the filmmakers.

Knocked Up (2007)

***/****
starring Seth Rogen, Katherine Heigl, Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann
written and directed by Judd Apatow

by Walter Chaw As a dyed-in-the-wool fan of Judd Apatow’s work with Paul Feig on “Freaks and Geeks”, I mark in his solo efforts (The 40 Year Old Virgin and now Knocked Up) a preoccupation with going to Hell. (“Freaks and Geeks”, on the other hand, is mainly about not drowning whilst wallowing in hell.) I mean that not only theologically but also biologically and emotionally–Apatow’s are comedies about worrying that you’re not where you’re meant to be at certain milestones in your life and, moreover, that you might never get there. Being 40 the critical point in his last picture, here it’s articulated in an exchange between slacker king Ben (Seth Rogen) and his sad-eyed father (Harold Ramis), where the expectations of embracing responsibility are passed as fear and regret from a man to his son.

Norbit (2007) [Widescreen] – DVD

ZERO STARS/**** Image B Sound A- Extras B-
starring Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy, Thandie Newton, Cuba Gooding, Jr.
screenplay by Eddie Murphy & Charles Murphy and Jay Scherick & David Ronn
directed by Brian Robbins

by Walter Chaw I looked up George Carlin’s seven dirty words that you can’t say on television and, sure enough, there was the outline for the gags, narrative, reason for being, you name it, of Eddie Murphy’s Norbit: Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits. Marvin the Martian-talking geek pastiche Norbit (Murphy) is an orphan abandoned on the doorstep of Golden Wonton Restaurant and Orphanage by unkind kindly Asian caricature Mr. Wong (Murphy again), who, in a moment that doesn’t feel like a joke but definitely feels full of rage, confesses that he traded his two-year-old daughter for a yak (in another, he reveals his dream to be a whaler, making him more Japanese than Chinese, but hey, a slant’s a slant). Not connected to anything like atonement or social/racial satire, Mr. Wong hovers there in the background as occasional wise commentary while Norbit loses his childhood sweetheart Kate (Thandie Newton) and marries the monstrous Rasputia (yes, Murphy). Norbit loathes fat people, Asians, women (note the two girls who really, really want to get turned out by Eddie Griffin’s pimp archetype), and black people most of all. I guess this is meant to soften the misanthropy, except it doesn’t really matter that the perpetrators of the screenplay are Murphy and his out-of-work brother Charlie–catching this coattail now after Dave Chappelle rolled up his–if the director is a white guy.

Shortbus (2006) [Unrated] – DVD

Shortbus (2006) [Unrated] – DVD

***/**** Image B+ Sound A- Extras A-
starring Sook-Yin Lee, Paul Dawson, Lindsay Beamish, Justin Bond
written and directed by John Cameron Mitchell

by Travis Mackenzie Hoover I put John Cameron Mitchell’s Shortbus on my Top Ten for 2006. This was perhaps more for intent than for execution: ’06 was a pretty lousy year for cinema, and I was just happy to see something from this continent that wasn’t completely asleep at the switch. Still, I think it’s too easy to write the movie off (as many commentators have) as pie-in-the-sky warm-fuzzies. What impressed me most about Shortbus was that its famous nudity and hardcore sex had not been severed from the rest of human experience. Mitchell may not be an aesthetic master, but he’s onto something that few of the would-be indie rebels are: that there is no separating the person from the body, and that sex is as much a social and personal experience as it is a physical one. As the social/personal body is very likely to be a morass of guilt, doubt, confusion, and fatigue, the upbeat ending suggests a covering for a core of despair.

Shrek the Third (2007)

½*/****
screenplay by Jeffrey Price & Peter S. Seaman and Chris Miller & Aron Warner
directed by Chris Miller

by Walter Chaw A bad franchise reaches its nadir as DreamWorks Animation’s flat-awful Shrek the Third (hereafter Shrek 3) tackles the King Arthur mythos in eighty unwatchable minutes of thunderously boring and occasionally moralizing shit, puke, and hitting gags. The only thing mildly entertaining in the whole mess is a prolonged death scene for a frog followed by a chorus of the things singing a Wings song–entertaining, though not in any way inspired or satirical. As calling the movie dumb would constitute a recommendation for people actually interested in seeing it, better to call it the kind of life-suck where you can feel the irretrievable minutes siphoning out your eyes. To say that children would enjoy it is a smokescreen for the mentally underdeveloped and emotionally immature to indulge in lowest-common-denominator slapstick and the type of hollow banter that passes for wit in great swaths of greater primate societies. All else fails and toss in a cover of Heart‘s “Barracuda” by that champion of women’s rights and humps Fergie–paired in facile shorthand with a throwaway gag featuring one of the pantheon of fairy tale princesses burning her bra. (Describing it is already more funny and clever than the action itself is in the film.) Prescribing medieval Ever After revisionist feminism to something as essentially useless and inert as Shrek 3 is jarring to the point of total incoherence. If anything, this film is the prime example of what happens when the aim of crafting something for the express purpose of entertaining dullards, mental defectives, and toddlers results in something so middlebrow that it tends toward a vacuum. In its “defense,” it’s more likely to cause naps than to cause hyperactivity.

Tom Goes to the Mayor: The Complete Series (2004-2006) [Businessman’s Edition] + Anything But Love: Volume One (1989-1990) – DVDs

TOM GOES TO THE MAYOR: THE COMPLETE SERIES
Image A- Sound A- Extras A-
“Bear Traps,” “WW Laserz,” “Pioneer Island,” “Toodle Day,” “Rats Off to Ya!,” “Porcelain Birds,” “Vehicular Manslaughter,” “Boy Meets Mayor,” “Calcucorn,” “Gibbons,” “Pipe Camp,” “Re-Birth,” “Vice Mayor,” “My Big Cups,” “Bass Fest,” “Jeffy the Sea Serpent,” “White Collarless,” “Wrestling,” “Saxman,” “Spray a Carpet or Rug,” “Surprise Party,” “CNE,” “Friendship Alliance,” “Zoo Trouble,” “The Layover,” “Couples Therapy,” “Glass Eyes,” “Undercover,” “Puddins,” “Joy’s Ex”

ANYTHING BUT LOVE: VOLUME ONE
Image C Sound B Extras D
“Fear of Flying,” “Deadline,” “Burning the Toad (The Jack Story),” “Love and Death,” “Dorothy Dearest,” “This is Not a Date,” “Ch-Ch-Changes,” “Those Lips, Those Thais,” “It’s My Party and I’ll Schvitz If I Want To,” “Scared Straight,” “Mr. Mom,” “Just the Facts, Ma’am,” “Bang, You’re Dead,” “Truth or Consequences,” “It’s Better to Have Loved and Flossed,” “Hearts and Bones,” “Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown,” “Breast of Friends,” “Hotel of the Damned,” “All About Allison,” “Proof It All Night,” “Three Men on a Match,” “Partying is Such Sweet Sorrow,” “The Ice Woman Cometh,” “Hooray for Hollywood,” “Robin Q. Public,” “The Days of Whine and Haroses,” “Thirty… Something”

by Ian Pugh Equal parts hilarious and repellent, “Tom Goes to the Mayor” boasts an intentionally ugly aesthetic typified by characters who consist of static, colour-drained photographs of their performers sent through Photoshop’s “photocopy” function, their “animation” being the occasional change in pictures to depict a new facial expression. Frequently interrupting are live-action interstitials, usually mock commercials for restaurants or gift shops from a local cable network full of blurry star-wipes and awkwardly superimposed titles. The show’s devotion to these stylistic grotesqueries is not burdened by complex plots, its basic formula boiling down to the title itself: naïve doormat Tom Peters (co-creator Tim Heidecker) comes up with an idea to improve the tiny community of Jefferton only to be blamed for the disasters that occur when he submits his plans to the indifferent, self-absorbed mayor (co-creator Eric Wareheim). Of course, Tom’s ideas are routinely terrible on their own (as evidenced by the moronic T-shirt slogans (1.5, “Rats Off to Ya!”) and non-functioning toy calculators (1.9, “Calcucorn”)), a fact which completes a trinity of exploration into an arena right alongside Saturday morning cartoons (recalling cheapo anti-animation fare like “Clutch Cargo” and “The Marvel Superheroes”) and public-access television, where quality control is impertinent. Between Jefferton’s overload of obnoxious tchotchkes and its smorgasbord of disgusting food platters, “Tom Goes to the Mayor” is uniformly disturbing and sometimes nauseating. In other words, it succeeds spectacularly.

Major League (1989) [Wild Thing Edition] – DVD

**/**** Image A- Sound A- Extras C
starring Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Corbin Bernsen, Bob Uecker
written and directed by David S. Ward

by Travis Mackenzie Hoover Major League doesn’t have clichés, it is clichés. The film is a collection of sports- and slob-comedy riffs designed for maximum familiarity and a minimum of creative fat. What you see is what you get–and if you don’t like what you see, there are legions of sports fans behind you who will, and have, to the extent of justifying a “Wild Thing Edition” DVD covered in Astroturf. Of course, sometimes we don’t want anything beyond obvious underdogs obviously set up to obvious victory, and if you’re in the mood for such faits accomplis, you could do a lot worse than to suckle at this comforting cinematic teat. But for the most part, lovers of cinema are warned not to get their hopes too high, while fans of crackling dialogue are advised to seek their kicks elsewhere.

Philadelphia Film Festival ’07: Waitress

**½/**** starring Keri Russell, Nathan Fillion, Jeremy Sisto, Adrienne Shelly written and directed by Adrienne Shelly by Ian Pugh It takes place in a Mayberry-like Southern landscape and features Andy Griffith himself as a sweet old man with a grumpy façade, so it probably goes without saying that Waitress has the tendency to be a little too syrupy for its own good. But Adrienne Shelly's final film as writer, director, and actress collects its down-home '50s romantic comedy stylings and silly pie-recipe jokes into something that can be genuinely affecting when it tries--and if, through its mawkishness, it reveals Nathan…
Pulp (1972) – DVD

Pulp (1972) – DVD

**/**** Image C+ Sound B
starring Michael Caine, Mickey Rooney, Lionel Stander, Lizabeth Scott
written and directed by Mike Hodges

by Travis Mackenzie Hoover Pulp is so determined to not work on any level that you almost admire it in light of the effort. It's neither a parody of nor a tribute to the pulp genre, neither comedy-thriller nor thrilling comedy–it's just a freak that repeatedly falls flat on its face, leaving you with no choice but to grasp it close like an idiot child. The first time I saw this film, I was mostly annoyed by its determination to short-circuit the fun that might have come from genre trappings, not to mention its refusal to offer genuine alternatives. With a second viewing, it looks a little better, and though not a success, it earned my admiration for being so far out of its depth that a bit of pleasure at its expense was unavoidable. It may have earned an extra half-star were it not also sexist and homophobic in dated ways that have risen to the surface like yeast.

Free Zone (2005) + The Secret Life of Words (2005) – DVDs

Free Zone (2005) + The Secret Life of Words (2005) – DVDs

FREE ZONE
*/**** Image C- Sound B Extras F
starring Natalie Portman, Hanna Laslo, Hiam Abbass
written and directed by Amos Gitai

THE SECRET LIFE OF WORDS
*½/**** Image A- Sound B+
starring Sarah Polley, Tim Robbins, Javier Cámara, Julie Christie
written and directed by Isabel Coixet

by Walter Chaw The not-at-all-hamfisted allegory of an Israeli woman and a Palestinian woman trekking across the disputed land to find an American who will settle some non-specific debt, Amos Gitai’s tediously strident Free Zone opens with ten minutes, uninterrupted, of Natalie Portman weeping over what we discover to be the end of a love affair. It’s showy and about as subtle as a kidney-punch–ditto the conception of Portman’s passive Rebecca (Portman), the American on the sidelines, a matinee-beautiful beacon who stands by as impassively as Milton’s God. That said, the device of a long, car-bound road trip narrated by flashbacks of the protagonists’ separate journeys to this journey is, at least for a while, intoxicating. The problem–and it’s a doozy–is that Gitai’s picture is so blatant an allegory that nothing any of the characters say comes free of dramatic distance or irony, making it impossible to take the film seriously as anything other than ventriloquism for Gitai’s, let’s face it, unsurprising politics. Nothing wrong with Wailing Wall lamentations about the state of the world, but watching someone shake a fist at a dead horse, long past the hope of resurrection, for upwards of two hours, is tiring and futile. Is there traction in proposing that the film merely mirrors the hopelessness of the Middle East conflict? I guess, but then how many people–specifically, how many people renting a film called Free Zone directed by Amos Gitai–are going to feel edified by that?

Philadelphia Film Festival ’07: Severance

**½/**** starring Tim McInnery, Toby Stephens, Claudie Blakley, Danny Dyer screenplay by James Moran & Christopher Smith directed by Christopher Smith by Ian Pugh Severance appears to have been crafted with the hope that someone out there with press credentials will use the poster-friendly quote "'The Office' meets [some horror film]," and, in order to guarantee that possibility, it mashes together about eight different subgenres of horror to simmer with the dry British humour. As we begin, David Brent manqué Richard (Tim McInnery) leads his merry band of office drones into the woods for a teamwork seminar in Bulgaria; they…

Hot Fuzz (2007)

***/****
starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Jim Broadbent, Timothy Dalton
screenplay by Edgar Wright & Simon Pegg
directed by Edgar Wright

by Walter Chaw Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost return after the triumph of Shaun of the Dead with the nominal success of Hot Fuzz: the one a dead-on skewering of/homage to the zombie genre, the latter an equally-dead-on skewering of/homage to the buddy-cop genre that leads one to conclude that the zombie genre is infinitely more fulsome a target than the buddy-cop genre. Though it’s clearly the product of smart guys who care about the films they lampoon, there’s obviously a difference between making a movie that can stand proudly alongside George Romero’s body of work and making one that could keep good company with Michael Bay’s. (There’s a lot of meat to be mined in a clever dissection of the zombie genre, in other words, whereas most action flicks of this type are already self-parodying exercises in excessive hetero-affirmation amidst much piece-fondling and weeping.) What works best about Hot Fuzz isn’t its admirable respect for and similarly keen understanding of films like Robin Hardy’s The Wicker Man and Richard Rush’s fondly-remembered Freebie and the Bean, but that it, like Shaun of the Dead, functions remarkably well as an example of the genre–something of which most parodies (i.e. arbitrary garbage like Shrek) are completely incapable.

Philadelphia Film Festival ’07: Eagle vs Shark

ZERO STARS/**** starring Loren Horsley, Jemaine Clement, Joel Tobeck, Craig Hall written and directed by Taika Waititi by Ian Pugh Perhaps the most creatively null film since the remake of When a Stranger Calls, Eagle vs Shark doesn't just feel like Napoleon Dynamite, doesn't just owe its existence to Napoleon Dynamite--it practically fucking is Napoleon Dynamite, and God help you if you need another one of those. The only difference, really, is that it takes place in New Zealand and focuses more on the romantic angle: shortly after she is ousted from her job at a fast-food joint, quiet loser…

Philadelphia Film Festival ’07: Dante’s Inferno

*/**** screenplay by Paul Zaloom, Sandow Burk & Sean Meredith directed by Sean Meredith by Ian Pugh Dante Alighieri (voice of Dermot Mulroney) is a drunken slacker and Virgil (James Cromwell) packs heat in a 21st-century update of The Inferno populated entirely by puppets crafted from paper--and that's about as far as it goes for cleverness in Sean Meredith's Dante's Inferno, but at least the puppets are well-drawn. Although the concept is daring and the toy theatre action is beautifully choreographed, the intrinsic problem in modernizing the first third of The Divine Comedy is that you're more or less obliged…

Color Me Kubrick (2006) + The Hoax (2007)

Colour Me Kubrick: A True…ish Story
½*/****
starring John Malkovich, Jim Davidson, Richard E. Grant, Luke Mably
screenplay by Anthony Frewin
directed by Brian W. Cook

THE HOAX
**½/****
starring Richard Gere, Alfred Molina, Marcia Gay Harden, Stanley Tucci
screenplay by William Wheeler
directed by Lasse Hallström

by Walter Chaw Suffice it to say that any picture featuring a sped-up version of the “William Tell Overture” is so drunk on its own whimsy that it most likely sucks with a dedicated vigour. Case in point: Brian W. Cook’s twee Color Me Kubrick, which chronicles, sort of, the life and times of impostor Alan Conway (John Malkovich) as he sashays through days of getting free drinks and the occasional hummer by telling people he’s the eponymous director. Never mind that Conway doesn’t appear to know the difference between Stanleys Kubrick and Kramer, or that Malkovich’s portrayal of him is so offensively fey that it could be used as a fright vid at “Focus on the Family” scare revivals–Color Me Kubrick is a grand drag revue without a rudder, and because it’s not particularly entertaining, it harbours no purpose great or small. Malkovich is only ever Malkovich in all his alien glory, neatly eclipsing his supporting cast, any momentum in the script or direction, and, ultimately, any pathos in Conway’s sad need to be someone else. (More egregiously unexamined is everyone else’s sadder need to be in the orbit of celebrity.) Unimaginatively shot and, it can’t be reiterated enough, abominably written (one scene has Conway suggesting he’s cast John Malkovich in 3001: A Space Odyssey, to which his dinner mate asks, “John who?”–droll, no?), the picture is mainly interesting because, after having sat on the shelf for a while, it’s finally surfaced in tandem with Lasse Hallström’s similarly-mothballed film about another fabulist, Clifford Irving.