Adventure Archives - Page 27 of 42

The Venture Bros.: Season One (2003-2004) – DVD

December 13, 20062000s, 2006, Action, Adventure, Animation, Authors: Ian Pugh, Comedy, DVD, Satire, Television

Image B Sound A- Extras C
“Dia de los Dangerous!,” “Careers in Science,” “Mid-Life Chrysalis,” “Eeney, Meeney, Miney… Magic!,” “The Incredible Mr. Brisby,” “Tag Sale–You’re It!,” “Home Insecurity,” “Ghosts of the Sargasso,” “Ice Station–Impossible!,” “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Dean.,” “Past Tense,” “The Trial of the Monarch,” “Return to Spider-Skull Island”

by Ian Pugh Lengthy postmodern discussions about the drug use in “Scooby-Doo” and the sexual habits of the Smurfs dominated the public mind long before Time Warner acquired the Hanna-Barbera catalogue. It was only a logical move, then, that TimeWarner’s Cartoon Network would devote much of its late-night Adult Swim programming block (“Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law”, “Sealab 2021”, and, to a lesser degree, “Robot Chicken”) to taking the old H-B anti-classics and filtering them through the fine mesh screen of a contemporary ironic eye. Look here, we’ve got an old superhero, he’s an attorney now, that’s pretty wacky! Check it out, we’ve turned the straightforward drama of “Sealab 2020” into angry surrealism! It works to varying degrees of success, primarily depending upon the individual show’s (or individual episode’s) willingness to move beyond the inherent ridiculousness of its premise. What can we say, then, when “The Venture Bros.” represents the kids-on-adventures serial “Jonny Quest”, a series centred on a family whose surname is a literal synonym for the characters being parodied? Are we meant to gasp when brilliant über-dad Dr. Benton Quest becomes Dr. Thaddeus “Rusty” Venture (voiced by Henry Fool’s James Urbaniak), an ignorant pill-popper, negligent of his teenage sons Hank (co-creator Jackson Publick) and Dean (Michael Sinterniklaas)? Or when bodyguard/second father figure Race Bannon becomes Brock Samson (Patrick Warburton), an emotionally-detected psychopath?

Eragon (2006)

December 13, 20062000s, 2006, Action, Adventure, Authors: Walter Chaw, Family, Fantasy, Hungary, Theatrical, UK, ZERO STARS

ZERO STARS/****
starring Edward Speleers, Jeremy Irons, Sienna Guillory, John Malkovich
screenplay by Peter Buchman and Lawrence Konner & Mark Rosenthal, based on the novel by Christopher Paolini
directed by Stefen Fangmeier

by Walter Chaw Fears that veteran F/X man Stefen Fangmeier’s directorial debut Eragon, a feature-length adaptation of a fifteen-year-old trying on Anne McCaffrey’s jodhpurs, would be the sequel to Dragonheart nobody wanted prove unwarranted, as Eragon is actually the sequel to BloodRayne that nobody wanted. It’s ugly as sin, with the much-vaunted dragon at its centre (voiced by Rachel Weisz), designed by skilled craftspeople from both Peter Jackson’s WETA workshop and Industrial Light and Magic, looking fatally inorganic to its environment. Not helping matters, the titular rider (Edward Speleers) resembles a younger, equally rubbery David Lee Roth and sports the acting chops of the same. Eragon is the towheaded farmboy who heeds a call to glory to save Sienna Guillory’s beautiful Princess Arya (“Help me Eragon, you’re my only hope”) while gaining a mysterious old hermit mentor (Jeremy Irons–the poor sod should’ve learned his lesson with Dungeons & Dragons) who dies during a daring raid on the Death Star–er, on the castle keep of Darth Vader, er, King Galbatorix (John Malkovich). Alas, this Luke Skywalker also has an Uncle Owen (Uncle Garrow (Alun Armstrong)), and his Darth Vader has a henchman (Robert Carlyle) who at one point kills an underling general and declares the second-in-command “promoted.” Eragon is a rip-off and a bad one, a carbon copy made on one of those old mimeograph machines: washed out, juvenile (even weighed against the not-exactly-mature example of Star Wars), and nigh unbearable for anyone so much as cursorily familiar with genre fare.

Blood Diamond (2006) + Apocalypto (2006)

December 8, 20062000s, 2006, Action, Adventure, Authors: Walter Chaw, Drama, Germany, Mexico, Theatrical, Thriller, UK

BLOOD DIAMOND
*/****
starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly, Djimon Hounsou, Michael Sheen
screenplay by Charles Leavitt
directed by Edward Zwick

APOCALYPTO
***/****
starring Rudy Youngblood, Dalia Hernandez, Jonathan Brewer, Morris Birdyellowhead
screenplay by Mel Gibson & Farhad Safinia
directed by Mel Gibson

by Walter Chaw After sending Matthew Broderick to head a Negro battalion in the Civil War and Tom Cruise to witness–and survive–the end of Feudal Japan, director Edward Zwick dispatches Leonardo DiCaprio and Jennifer Connelly to Sierra Leone and its own diamond-fuelled Civil War to moralize endlessly from the superior ethical vantage afforded by time and privilege. (That they also lend a much-needed nougat centre to Blood Diamond‘s thin chocolate coating goes without saying.) The Denzel Washington/Ken Watanabe token this time around is the oft-similarly-abused Djimon Hounsou: as the DC Comics-sounding Solomon Vandy, Hounsou seeks to trade a rare pink diamond for the life of his son, who’s been molded by the evil Sierra Leonians into a soulless murdering/raping machine.

The Wreck of the Mary Deare (1959) [Gary Cooper: The Signature Collection] – DVD

December 5, 20061950s, 2006, Adventure, Authors: Travis Mackenzie Hoover, Crime, Drama, DVD, Mystery, Thriller, UK

***/**** Image A Sound A-
starring Gary Cooper, Charlton Heston, Michael Redgrave, Emlyn Williams
screenplay by Eric Ambler, based on the novel by Hammond Innes
directed by Michael Anderson

by Travis Mackenzie Hoover Here’s another Coop-travaganza whose pleasures lie naked on the surface. Like Springfield Rifle, Michael Anderson’s The Wreck of the Mary Deare is largely uninterested in subtextual undertow or other fodder for term papers, announcing its true intentions by casting strong, silent Cooper opposite hard man-of-action Charlton Heston–the two movie stars least likely to quietly brood or have an Achilles heel to render them even a little unsympathetic. Though Coop has a shady past to overcome, it’s largely in the aid of martyring him to a system that refuses to listen; Heston, meanwhile, is possessed of the old I-have-a-hunch-to-trust-the-underdog brotherhood instinct that keeps us trusting despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Students of gender politics (assuming there are any left) might want to put it through the symptomatic wringer, but mostly it’s a couple of cool dudes laying down the law and fighting insurmountable odds.

The Ant Bully (2006) [Widescreen] – DVD

December 4, 20062000s, 2006, Adventure, Animation, Authors: Travis Mackenzie Hoover, Comedy, DVD, Family

*½/**** Image A Sound B+ Extras C
screenplay by John A. Davis, based on the book by John Nickle
directed by John A. Davis

by Travis Mackenzie Hoover If you read reviews with any degree of seriousness, you’re probably not seeing that many animated kidpix anyway, and so remarking that The Ant Bully is several cuts below the genre’s low standards will fall on deaf ears. Still, I can’t imagine an audience undemanding enough to not see through the film’s cashing in on both the cachet of its source material (a storybook by John Nickle) and the CGI animation gold rush itself. The film is so unenthusiastic about doing its job that it’s completely transparent, exposing its worship of the dollar at every turn of the screw. Even the creators of Shrek and their ilk seem to want to make the movie: there’s no evidence of that with John A. Davis and his team of unmoved movers of pixels.

The Nativity Story (2006) + 3 Needles (2006)

December 1, 20062000s, 2006, Adventure, Authors: Walter Chaw, Canada, Drama, Family, Germany, Romance, Theatrical, UK

THE NATIVITY STORY
*/****
starring Keisha Castle-Hughes, Oscar Isaac, Hiam Abbass, Shaun Toub
screenplay by Mike Rich
directed by Catherine Hardwicke

3 NEEDLES
½*/****
starring Shaun Ashmore, Stockard Channing, Olympa Dukakis, Lucy Liu
written and directed by Thom Fitzgerald

by Walter Chaw The nativity, consigned primarily in my imagination to bad children’s pageants and gaudy lawn displays, gets a third image in my own private trinity with Catherine Hardwicke’s The Nativity Story: a thunderously boring film so circumscribed in scope and crippled in execution that it’s destined to be a minor hit fuelled by the line of buses stretching from your local bible chapel. It’s another teen melodrama from Hardwicke, complete with disapproving adults and pregnant little girls batting doe-eyes at rough-and-tumble shepherds; you see Hardwicke occasionally attempting an anachronistic Fast Times at Golan Heights à la Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette, but Coppola, for all her dips into self-pity, is a filmmaker of note, while Hardwicke is just beating someone else’s drum on someone else’s dime. (Proof positive is that despite the uniformity of Hardwicke’s output across three identically nondescript flicks, there is still no sense that decisions are being made, or that anything more than a sickly colony from a thin scrape across the John Hughes petri dish has been born.) Mary is played by young Maori actress Keisha Castle-Hughes–her race of note because if there’s something important about the instantly forgotten pic, it’s that its cast comprises people who look like people might have looked in Nazareth around two thousand years ago and not like Andy Gibb. A shame that Castle-Hughes is dreadful (and not helped a bit by another dreadful, pop-eyed screenplay courtesy Mike Rich of Radio and Finding Forrester fame) and that Oscar Isaac (as Joseph)–who is not dreadful–is trapped in this prosaic sinkhole. Tempting to use terms like “sanctimonious” and “smug,” but The Nativity Story is more accurately dissected with the observation that it’s a faithful telling of a story that has as its only purpose the drumming up of ecstatic anticipation for a foregone conclusion.

Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut (1981/2006) – DVD

November 27, 20061980s, 2000s, 2006, Action, Adventure, Authors: Bill Chambers, DVD, Romance, Sci-Fi, Superhero, UK

***/**** Image A Sound A Extras A-
starring Gene Hackman, Christopher Reeve, Ned Beatty, Jackie Cooper
screenplay by Mario Puzo, David Newman and Leslie Newman
directed by Richard Lester

by Bill Chambers SPOILER WARNING IN EFFECT. A would-be victim of its own London After Midnight-esque mystique, the “Richard Donner Cut” of Superman II is marginally superior to Richard Lester’s mutilation, but mitigating circumstances prevent it from being a totally viable alternative. Reconstructed from suppressed outtakes with due diligence (if a journeyman sensibility) according to pre-Lester drafts of the screenplay, the film follows the same basic storyline, though it’s a little more efficiently plotted. (While a few Lester bits remain, there is almost certainly less Lester-generated footage here than there is Donner-generated footage in the theatrical version.) Gone is the Eiffel Tower set-piece, replaced by a charming sequence better allied–aesthetically speaking–with the previous Superman in which Lois tries to call Clark’s bluff by jumping out a window of THE DAILY PLANET’s headquarters; now the weapon of mass destruction responsible for freeing the three supervillains from the Phantom Zone is an errant missile from the climax of the original, which is clever but probably made more sense before they transposed the dopey turning-back-time conceit from the second film onto the first. (More on that later.)

DIFF ’06: Rescue Dawn

November 22, 20062000s, 2006, Action, Adventure, Authors: Walter Chaw, Biopic, DIFF/SDFF, Directors: Werner Herzog, Drama, Film Festivals, Luxembourg, Thriller, War

**½/**** starring Christian Bale, Steve Zahn, Jeremy Davies, Marshall Bell written and directed by Werner Herzog by Walter Chaw Though a perfectly serviceable actioner, one that avoids almost every pitfall and cliché of the POW genre while supporting a singularly eccentric performance, Werner Herzog's Rescue Dawn, sadly, could have been directed by any one of a dozen directors. Gripping but not especially memorable, it lacks the mad Bavarian's insanity: his belief that nature is obscene, as well as his ability to make a trance from the mendacity of routine. (Because Herzog is a rare talent, his films butt up against greater…

Over the Hedge (2006) [Widescreen] – DVD

October 18, 20062000s, 2006, Adventure, Animation, Authors: Bill Chambers, Authors: Walter Chaw, Comedy, DVD, Family

**/**** Image A- Sound A- Extras B-
screenplay by Len Blum and Lorne Cameron & David Hoselton and Karey Kirkpatrick, based on the comic strip by Michael Fry and T Lewis
directed by Tim Johnson & Karey Kirkpatrick

by Walter Chaw It’s just a largely inoffensive, vaguely environmentalist (inasmuch as being anti-sprawl is pro-environment) assembly-line animation featuring the usual passel of aging and/or second-run celebrities subbing for trained voice performers as anthropomorphic CGI animal bodies engaged in slapstick, stink jokes, and other interchangeable ephemera for the delight of our toddlers. If you feel as though you’ve seen Over the Hedge a hundred times already, that’s because it’s been cobbled together from a hundred other identical pictures; and if you have a little trouble afterwards remembering a thing about it, well, it’s only natural that something with no nutritional value would pass right through you. That’s not to say there’s no fertile ground to be mined here in exploring the line between the natural-natural and the human natural (a line that the Japanese puzzler Pom Poko attempts to describe to similar effect)–safe to say, in fact, that a great satire lies in the suburban morass as viewed through the eyes of the “un-civilized.” But Over the Hedge is a slave to the theoretical peanut gallery, resorting to manufacturing a villain and then staging a series of boom/crash operas. Though Pixar’s Cars can pretty fairly be described as awful, it’s Pixar’s legacy of brilliant children’s entertainments that DreamWorks has tried to ape with its puerile, art-destroying, post-pop Shrek series, and if Over the Hedge at least resists the scatology that marks Shrek as low entertainment for the lowest common denominator, it still can’t quite make that jump from loud noises to real insight and value.

Shogun Assassin (1980) – DVD

October 16, 20061980s, 2006, Action, Adventure, Authors: Travis Mackenzie Hoover, DVD, Japan

**½/**** Image A- Sound A Extras B
starring Tomisaburo Wakayama, Masahiro Tomikawa, Kayo Matsuo, Minoru Ohki
screenplay by Kazuo Koike, Robert Houston & David Weisman
directed by Robert Houston and Kenji Misumi

by Travis Mackenzie Hoover Timing is everything when it comes to certain movies. Had I been one of the many who paid to see Shogun Assassin in 1980 or thrilled to it on video for years afterward, I might, too, have a cult attachment to its slick camerawork and delightfully bloodthirsty nature. But as it turns out, I saw the films from which it was culled–the Lone Wolf and Cub epics Sword of Vengeance and Baby Cart at the River Styx–first: no matter how expertly distilled is Robert Houston’s scratch remix version, it was never going to match the elegant construction of those Kenji Misumi classics. If you find yourself in a hurry and can only squeeze in one film with a pudgy ronin and his small, indestructible son, then Shogun Assassin is the one you want; and it immediately gains half a star if you aren’t familiar with the originals. But for those with time, patience, and a love of arterial spray, the main event is probably the better bet. Which is not to say that Shogun Assassin is without its virtues.

Alien Nation: The Complete Series (1989-1990) + Doctor Who: The Complete First Series (2005) – DVDs

October 3, 20061980s, 1990s, 2000s, 2005, 2006, Action, Adventure, Authors: Walter Chaw, Canada, Drama, DVD, Mystery, Sci-Fi, Television, UK

ALIEN NATION: THE COMPLETE SERIES
Image C Sound C Extras C
“Alien Nation: The TV Movie (Pilot),” “Fountain of Youth,” “Little Lost Lamb,” “Fifteen with Wanda,” “The Takeover,” “The First Cigar,” “Night of the Screams,” “Contact,” “Three to Tango,” “The Game,” “Chains of Love,” “The Red Room,” “The Spirit of ’95,” “Generation to Generation,” “Eyewitness News,” “Partners,” “Real Men,” “Crossing the Line,” “Rebirth,” “Gimme, Gimme,” “The Touch,” “Green Eyes”

DOCTOR WHO: THE COMPLETE FIRST SERIES
Image A Sound B Extras B
“Rose,” “The End of the World,” “The Unquiet Dead,” “Aliens of London,” “World War Three,” “Dalek,” “The Long Game,” “Father’s Day,” “The Empty Child,” “The Doctor Dances,” “Boom Town,” “Bad Wolf,” “The Parting of the Ways”

by Walter Chaw I’m a fan of Graham Baker’s dreadful Alien Nation from 1988. Run the words of the title together and you get a not-terribly-clever yet not-entirely-awful summary of what the film is getting at when it’s not busy being a ludicrous high-concept buddy cop flick pairing your typical crusty old vet with an earnest rookie who happens to be an alien with a spotted pate instead of a hilarious racial minority. (Shades of Dead Heat, where Joe Piscopo played a bug-eyed zombie.) It’s a schlocky B-concept, granted, but the parallax view suggests that lurking in Alien Nation is a neat parable about the Chinese-American experience in San Francisco around the turn of the century and on through to the modern day.

School for Scoundrels (2006) + The Guardian (2006)

September 29, 20062000s, 2006, Action, Adventure, Authors: Walter Chaw, Drama, Theatrical, ZERO STARS

SCHOOL FOR SCOUNDRELS
ZERO STARS/****
starring Billy Bob Thornton, Jon Heder, Jacinda Barrett, Luis Guzman
screenplay by Todd Phillips & Scot Armstrong
directed by Todd Phillips

THE GUARDIAN
*½/****
starring Kevin Costner, Ashton Kutcher, Neal McDonough, Melissa Sagemiller
screenplay by Ron L. Brinkerhoff
directed by Andrew Davis

by Walter Chaw What the woefully, dreadfully, desperately unfunny School of Scoundrels has going for it is the casting of fetching Jacinda Barrett as the leading lady; what it squanders is the opportunity to present anything resembling intelligence or wit in favour of achingly uninsightful jabs at the gender rift and the presentation of idiot Jon Heder in exhibit, oh, about ‘E’ or ‘F’ by now, of how he has no known function. Billy Bob Thornton continues his blue W.C. Fields bit (next up, Mr. Woodcock), here as “Dr. P,” the head of the titular finishing school that specializes in molding the losers and milquetoasts of the world into sunglasses-wearing assholes fond of comparing themselves to lions. His prize student is meter maid Roger (Heder), who, because the script demands it, transforms himself from a doofus into a doofus in a suit, finally mustering up the courage to ask out neighbour Amanda (Barrett). Inexplicably, she has all along been pining for this hermetic, feminized, saccharine troll–after all, what beautiful, smart, funny woman doesn’t want to be dating someone with the looks of Napoleon Dynamite and the personality of a serial-killing child molester? Sarah Silverman is wasted (though given her track record, it could very well be that there’s nothing left to waste) as Amanda’s evil roommate, written with snarky commentary you’d think a perfect fit for her.

Smokey and the Bandit (1977) [Special Edition] – DVD

September 28, 20061970s, 2006, Action, Adventure, Authors: Travis Mackenzie Hoover, Comedy, DVD, Road Movie

*/**** Image B Sound B+ (DD)/A (DTS) Extras B
starring Burt Reynolds, Sally Field, Jerry Reed, Jackie Gleason
screenplay by James Lee Barrett and Charles Shyer & Alan Mandel
directed by Hal Needham

by Travis Mackenzie Hoover One thing is inescapably true: Smokey and the Bandit was not aimed at people like me. Only the most casual, least demanding filmgoer need apply to this good-ol’-boy version of Vanishing Point–people with as much beer in them as possible, ready to laugh at cheap jokes and root for a speed demon. They are welcome to the movie, but the fact remains that anyone with even a scintilla of interest in film as art is pretty much left out in the cold. As I can hear a mountain of e-mail forming denouncing me for my perceived elitism, let me be perfectly clear: anyone in the market for Burt Reynolds driving fast and making Jackie Gleason apoplectic will find this the sort of thing that they like.

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) [Widescreen] – DVD

September 25, 20062000s, 2006, Action, Adventure, Authors: Bill Chambers, Authors: Walter Chaw, DVD, Sci-Fi, Superhero

½*/**** Image N/A Sound A Extras C+
starring Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen, Famke Janssen
screenplay by Simon Kinberg & Zak Penn
directed by Brett Ratner

by Walter Chaw As an example of what can happen when a homophobic, misogynistic, misanthropic moron wildly overcompensates in a franchise that had as its primary claim to eternity that it was sensitive to the plight of homosexuals, Brett Ratner’s painfully queer X-Men: The Last Stand (hereafter “X3“) manages to present its series of melodramatic vignettes in such a way as to completely negate any sense of peril, individuality, or struggle for the characters. Without a sense of weight, the references in the piece to genocide and The Holocaust (“Ink shall never again touch my skin!” says Ian McKellen’s Magneto) become pure, laggard exploitation in the service of a sub-par superhero action film that shows its true colours time and again in its hatred of women (“Hell hath no fury!”) and loathing of female sexuality, as well as in its flat-eyed regard of children trying to hasp off their wings while their fathers attempt to break down the bathroom door. It’s Michael Bay’s Schindler’s List: a reptilian populist, at ease with the slick and facile, has been asked to take the reins of a project that, for whatever its crimes of pacing and exposition, had in its Bryan Singer-helmed episodes the good sense not to kick over ant piles it wasn’t prepared to contain.

Hoot (2006) [New Line Platinum Series] – DVD

August 30, 20062000s, 2006, Adventure, Authors: Travis Mackenzie Hoover, Comedy, DVD, Family

*½/**** Image A- Sound A Extras C+
starring Luke Wilson, Logan Lerman, Brie Larson, Tim Blake Nelson
screenplay by Wil Shriner, based on the novel by Carl Hiaasen
directed by Wil Shriner

by Travis Mackenzie Hoover On the subject of keeping young people away from R-rated movies, Pauline Kael once remarked: “How are kids supposed to appreciate movies if they only see the crap that’s aimed at them?” That “crap,” of course, is usually stuff that’s been interrogated for controversial subject matter and aesthetic interest alike, as if a sweeping camera or a finely-tuned mise-en-scène would disturb the kiddies. And on past performance, Walden Media is a leading exponent of this kind of subdued mediocrity: not only did they issue that ultra-bland C.S. Lewis adaptation from last winter, but they also cranked out the thoroughly innocuous Hoot to disastrous box office this spring. It’s a movie that treats potentially charged material like No Big Deal–which is the supposed position to take with young minds in the room.

Harry and Tonto (1974) – DVD

August 14, 20061970s, 2006, Adventure, Authors: Alex Jackson, Comedy, Drama, DVD, Road Movie, Romance

**/**** Image B+ Sound B Commentary B+
starring Art Carney, Ellen Burstyn, Geraldine Fitzgerald, Larry Hagman
screenplay by Paul Mazursky and Josh Greenfeld
directed by Paul Mazursky

by Alex Jackson I complain a lot about film criticism being reduced to archaeology, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything quite as impenetrable along these lines as Paul Mazursky’s 1974 sleeper Harry and Tonto. It never coheres, it never makes its point, and it never justifies its existence. You know Mr. Bernstein’s anecdote about the girl in the white dress in Citizen Kane, or Marge Gunderson’s drink with her old high school chum in Fargo–those nice little throwaway moments that haven’t much to do with the actual movie? In Harry and Tonto, Mazursky gets rid of the “actual movie” and gives us nothing but throwaway moments. Yeah, it’s that kind of film.

Equinox [The Criterion Collection] – DVD

August 13, 20061960s, 1970s, 2006, Action, Adventure, DVD, Esoterica, Fantasy, Horror, Mystery, The Criterion Collection

THE EQUINOX …A JOURNEY INTO THE SUPERNATURAL (1967)
***½/**** Image B Sound B Extras A+
starring Skip Shimer, Barbara Hewitt, Frank Boers, Jr., Robin Snider
screenplay by Mark Thomas McGee
directed by Mark Thomas McGee & Dennis Muren

EQUINOX (1970)
*½/**** Image B Sound B Extras A+
starring Edward Connell, Barbara Hewitt, Frank Boers jr., Robin Christopher
written and directed by Jack Woods

by Walter Chaw Four teens on a double-date venture into the hills around California in search of an old, dotty professor, only to learn that the crazy old bat’s unleashed the spawn of Hell with a book written by the devil. When producer Jack Harris bought The Equinox …A Journey Into the Supernatural (hereafter The Equinox) and hired B-hack Jack Woods to partially rewrite and reshoot it three years after its completion, he would insert a new character in evil, unibrowed park ranger Asmodeus (Woods), thus imposing a weird element of pervy grope cinema while handily washing away in a wave of lowbrow mediocrity most of what makes The Equinox so exceptional. Comparing the two versions (the revamp’s title streamlined to Equinox) is an example of the difference between gifted amateurs pursuing a passion and slick exploitation artists applying their own interpretations (this time the burgeoning drive-in market) of where they might grab the quickest buck. For The Equinox to endure as an underground classic despite its co-optation is something like The Magnificent Ambersons maintaining its masterpiece status despite the non-existence of Welles’s original cut. It’s quite a relief, in other words, that Dennis Muren’s The Equinox has survived for comparison’s sake.

The Descent (2005)

August 8, 20062000s, 2005, 2006, Adventure, Authors: Walter Chaw, Horror, Theatrical, UK

***/****
starring Shauna Macdonald, Natalie Mendoza, Alex Reid, Saskia Mulder
written and directed by Neil Marshall

by Walter Chaw Beginning in the same way as countless other genre pictures (the city folks go to a cabin and have boring, perfunctory, character-defining chatter), Neil Marshall’s often-terrifying, often-brilliant The Descent subsequently manages to describe for long stretches a complicated, Jungian labyrinth of regret and shadow-projections and doubling through dank explorations of a vaginal, womb-like metaphor for the subconscious. There’s a moment where our avatar, Sarah (Shauna Macdonald), emerges from a gore bath and stands reborn into the very avenging feminist totem of Carrie post-prom: it’s just one of three “births” Sarah endures (four if you count a dream sequence in a hospital early on), the last of which stands in tribute to the final sting of Carrie. It’s possible, in fact, to split the film into quarters according to its recurrent motifs of gestation-into-discharge following penetration.

BloodRayne (2006) [Unrated Director’s Cut] – DVD

July 6, 20062000s, 2006, Action, Adventure, Authors: Walter Chaw, DVD, Fantasy, Germany, Horror, Vampire, ZERO STARS

ZERO STARS/**** Image B Sound C+ Extras C
starring Kristanna Loken, Michelle Rodriguez, Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley
screenplay by Guinevere Turner
directed by Uwe Boll

by Walter Chaw It seems sort of pointless at this juncture to keep kicking at Uwe Boll–indeed, there’s a minor backlash against all the lash, most of it dedicated to defending the Kraut Ed Wood along the lines of his latest, the excrescent BloodRayne, as being only as bad as ordinary bad films and not as bad as getting your eyelid caught on a nail. The secret to this bountiful wealth of backhanded praise, Boll has discovered, is found somewhere in the intersection of gratuitous gore and gratuitous nudity–both virtues forgiving a multitude of the director’s other shortcomings (a tin ear, a blind eye, a plugger’s grace, and so on), because it transforms his sword-and-sorcery saga into something that looks and sounds just like the crap most of us squandered our misspent youth surfing for on late night cable, tissue in one hand, lotion in the other. Without stretching too extravagantly, it’s easy to see in that great sloppy act of pubescent self-abuse the very same method guiding Boll’s hand at the camera through his ersatz trilogy of terrible. Fair to wonder a time or two over the course of the film if someone should invoke the Geneva Convention and get the fuck outta dodge. I guess there’s a purpose to everything under the sun, and BloodRayne, based on a video game series of the same name, must be around to give hope to anyone with a camera in a country with a tax loophole that they, too, can make really bad movies with which to waste other people’s lives.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006)

July 6, 20062000s, 2006, Action, Adventure, Authors: Walter Chaw, Disney, Fantasy, Theatrical

*/****
starring Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Stellan Skarsgård
screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio
directed by Gore Verbinski

by Walter Chaw I’ve liked almost everything Gore Verbinski’s done up to this point–he’s treated genre pictures with a degree of sobriety that’s refreshing when snarky post-modernism seems the golden mean. But Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (hereafter Pirates 2, though “Pirates Reloaded” is perhaps the more appropriate paraphrase) carries with it the taint of desperation that comes with impossibly raised expectations and a burgeoning “known” director who–for lack of a better idea–devotes himself to the notion that magnification is the same thing as inspiration. A giant budget and a franchise tag is an effective snuff to that alchemical combination of energy and brilliance that has thus far typified Verbinski’s output, and Pirates 2 is Exhibit One of just how boring an unimaginably expensive a blockbuster can be when it jettisons character and story in favour of gimmick and state-of-the-art-for-now special effects. The first of two consecutively-shot sequels, the movie has the added difficulty of being entrusted (like Episode II, The Two Towers, and The Matrix Reloaded) with the exposition third of the tripartite narrative arc. Pirates 2 is a middle without a beginning or end that tries to compensate for that deficiency by throwing money at the problem. Yo ho-hum.