by Bill Chambers I can't bear to open my ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY or read the trades these days…LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENING IN TINSELTOWN!
It was recently announced in the trades that Mel Gibson and his frequent collaborator Richard Donner are thisclose to signing on for the fifth Batman film. After entrusting the franchise to Joel Schumacher and Akiva Goldsman for two atrocious movies, Warner Bros. is looking for fresh blood…again. Typical of the studio, their search has not extended beyond the Warner family. Word is, Nicholson may even return as the Joker. The film will be shot in Australia, home of Gibson's cult hero/alter-ego, Mad Max.
The combined age of Schumacher and Donner is 138. The combined number of movies they have each made for the studio is 16. This is not fresh blood. These are directors who all but require a Bengay rubdown between takes, and who were on the payroll long before the 1989 Batman was born.
But my gripes concern more than old age. Prior to Batman, Donner had made the most successful big-screen comic-book adaptation ever: Superman, an indeed wonderful film. (Though, in my opinion, not quite as wonderful as Superman II, which Richard Lester took over during production.) Donner doesn't have the dark heart required to resurrect the Batman series. This is a man who so didn't want Patsy Kensit's character to perish in Lethal Weapon 2 that its original ending saw Kensit, Gibson, and Glover chasing after a Thanksgiving turkey–this despite the fact that she already drowned in gruesome close-up! And how many times is he going to resist killing off Riggs (Gibson's character, for those not well-versed in the series) before the Lethal franchise gasps its final breath? Wanna see something truly lethal? Watch what he does to Batman, a project destined to take place in Improv City (as opposed to Gotham City), with Gibson winging it as he goes along. Off camera, paying no attention to the fact that Gibson and co. are cracking jokes that run 20 or 30 minutes at a time–long after the film has run off its spool–Donner will be searching for the biggest building he can pack with TNT.
Donner does know how to shoot a movie, better than most, but he's not a particularly exciting visualist. Compare his butchery of Assassins, written by the Wachowski Brothers, to the Wachowskis' own Bound, which is stylistically ambitious beyond the journeyman Donner. In some ways, we could compare Donner to Howard Hawks, who believed in shooting everything at eye level. Hawks was, of course, the superior filmmaker, but his attempt at something entirely un-Hawks-ian, Land of the Pharaohs, was considered an artistic and financial flop: Widescreen historical epics simply weren't in Hawks's wheelhouse. Likewise, a Batman picture is unlike anything Donner has ever done before. As his most recent work suggests, he isn't up to the task.
With the Batman franchise in such decline, Warners needs to do some serious rethinking. They need to ditch the kid-friendly angle, because movies aren't just for selling toys at McDonald's. (Admittedly, with Donner on board, they might get an R-rated picture; score one for Richard.) They need to go back to the comics for some great stories. (Schumacher desperately wants to make the fifth one, with Batman: Year One as the basis; score only a half-point for Schumacher, given that he'd very likely commission Akiva "Lost In Space/Batman and Robin/Practical Magic/The Client" Goldsman to write the screenplay again.) Just the other day, I picked up Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns for the first time since 1989–that would make a marvellous picture, one that would earn hundreds of millions of dollars on the promise of a battle royale between Superman and Batman. (This story would also allow the producers to cast an older, distinguished actor in the role of Batman/Bruce Wayne.)
Further unsolicited advice: DO NOT hire Goldsman, Wesley Strick (Final Analysis, The Ties That Bind, half of Batman Returns), or David S. Goyer (The Crow: City of Angels, a third of Dark City, Blade–although at least those pictures aren't kid-tested/mother-approved) to pen the script. But most importantly, the fifth installment needs a capable director. My suggestions? David Fincher, who made Se7en, The Game (whose stories, one could argue, unfold in Gotham City) and the underrated Alien3. Or the Wachowskis, whose upcoming film The Matrix looks stunning.
Please don't cop out, WB. Make the most Bat-tastic sequel humanly possible.
20th Century Fox, in a move that absolutely stuns me, has decided to release Ever After: A Cinderella Story, last summer's sleeper hit, in a slightly altered version on tape. The theatrical prints for this Drew Barrymore vehicle featured a character saying "Fuck fuck fuck" in quick succession as he attempted to speed up a horse. This profanity–arguably the one snapshot of genuine human behaviour in the entire film–was barely more decipherable than the gibberish swearing in A Christmas Story, yet it was enough for the MPAA to originally brand Ever After with a PG-13 rating. Fox has 'fixed' this problem by removing the profanity: the pic will come to you on VHS in PG form. Curiously–and, I suppose, thankfully–the PG-13 cut will appear on DVD.
Lenny Bruce's heartfelt courtroom plea "Don't take away my words!" rings in my ears. What kind of world do we live in where video stores feel obliged to snip the nudity from Titanic? Where the makers of There's Something About Mary are contemplating the removal of its best joke–the sperm hair–to attempt to retrofit an irrepressibly adult comedy for family audiences? Where some parents are expressing interest in DVD based solely on the advent of "seamless branching" technology, enabling studios to offer edited and unedited versions of a film on the same side of a disc? (Meaning Mom and Pop can play Mr. and Mrs. Hays Code.)
I realize I might be making a mountain out of a molehill, but I urge you to politely write Fox Video president Patricia Wyatt (c/o TCFHE, 2121 Avenue of the Stars, 25th floor, Los Angeles, CA 90028) and voice your opinion about the decision to trim Ever After for mass consumption. Imagine, sometime in the future, a video store filled with PG versions of your favourite movies–and these as your only rental option. It's up to producers whether or not they want to make family entertainment, just as it's up to you whether you want to pay for Hollywood product. We cater too much to the easily offended these days.
On a similar note, Disney's decision to change history again resulted in a recall of their most recent reissue of The Rescuers. (Say that five times fast.) A bored, pathetic executive discovered that two frames containing a photograph of a naked woman made it into this latest VHS release. (A 1992 home-video version excluded said frames because its transfer was struck from a different source print.) No consumer had actually filed a complaint, and that's because it is an impossible thing to spot when viewing the film at normal speed.
In the past, The Mouse has deleted potentially racist shots from Fantasia, digitally removed a cigarette from Pecos Bill's fingers in an animated short, and all but destroyed prints of Song of the South, owing to its delusionally pleasant depictions of master-slave relations in post-Civil War America. (The film is nonetheless a fascinating experience that deserves to be seen and discussed.) While the case of The Rescuers is different, I believe that no one ever would have noticed the offending nudity without Disney explicitly pointing it out to us, as I have done below for your amusement. (For a thoroughly researched history of Disney animators' furtive gags, please visit Barbara and David P. Mikkelson's A-plus-plus web page URBAN LEGENDS REFERENCE PAGES: DISNEY FILMS.)
I was lucky enough to locate a retail copy of the video even after the announcement. It now rests sealed in my collection, next to a shrink-wrapped Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the original Little Mermaid VHS (with the golden dildos on the cover), and a PAL version of Song of the South. In essence, the company turned The Rescuers into an instant collector's item, which is fine by me and eBay.
