by Bill Chambers In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve yet to see three of the major Academy Award™ contenders, Call Me By Your Name, Lady Bird, or Phantom Thread. Fortunately, they’ve all been discussed on Twitter with the fanatical zeal of that machine that stuffs corn down a duck’s gullet to make foie gras, so I felt I could bluff my way through this year’s scorecard. I for one look forward to enjoying Michael Stuhlbarg’s Call Me By Your Name monologue once I’ve forgotten how good it’s supposed to be.
Best Picture:
“Call Me by Your Name” = how ’bout that Stuhlbarg monologue?
“Darkest Hour” = oh please
“Dunkirk” = whatevs
“Get Out” = yay
“Lady Bird” = sure
“Phantom Thread” = yay
“The Post” = looks good on paper
“The Shape of Water” = we’ll laugh when we’re sober
“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” = am I in the Sunken Place?
Lead Actor:
Timothée Chalamet, “Call Me by Your Name” = peachy
Daniel Day-Lewis, “Phantom Thread” = Michelle Tanner saying “Duh!” gif
Daniel Kaluuya, “Get Out” = yay!
Gary Oldman, “Darkest Hour” = see: Day-Lewis, Daniel
Denzel Washington, “Roman J. Israel, Esq.” = lol (*update: actually, this is how the Oscars™ should work–it used to happen more often that films with no publicity momentum were scoured for discrete achievements; the lol was because this nomination made me giddy, but the meaning was too ambiguous)
Lead Actress:
Sally Hawkins, “The Shape of Water” = they love a mute
Frances McDormand, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” = no
Margot Robbie, “I, Tonya” = stole the role of Amy Schumer’s career
Saoirse Ronan, “Lady Bird” = yay (her Brooklyn loss still stings)
Meryl Streep, “The Post” = good phone scene
Supporting Actor:
Willem Dafoe, “The Florida Project” = deserves a wall of Oscars just for being able to play Jesus and Green Goblin
Woody Harrelson, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” = Should’ve
Richard Jenkins, “The Shape of Water” = Been
Christopher Plummer, “All the Money in the World” = Michael
Sam Rockwell, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” = Stuhlbarg
Supporting Actress:
Mary J. Blige, “Mudbound” = why not
Allison Janney, “I, Tonya” = ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Lesley Manville, “Phantom Thread” = yay
Laurie Metcalf, “Lady Bird” = always liked her
Octavia Spencer, “The Shape of Water” = third Supporting nomination; give her a lead already
Director:
“Dunkirk,” Christopher Nolan = ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
“Get Out,” Jordan Peele = yay
“Lady Bird,” Greta Gerwig = unimpeachable casting instincts
“Phantom Thread,” Paul Thomas Anderson = yay
“The Shape of Water,” Guillermo del Toro = at least it’s not Martin McDonagh
Adapted Screenplay:
“Call Me by Your Name,” James Ivory = yay (that Stuhlbarg monologue is really something else isn’t it)
“The Disaster Artist,” Scott Neustadter & Michael H. Weber = the book’s better
“Logan,” Scott Frank & James Mangold and Michael Green = why not
“Molly’s Game,” Aaron Sorkin = um
“Mudbound,” Virgil Williams and Dee Rees = how ’bout that Cinematography nod?
Original Screenplay:
“The Big Sick,” Emily V. Gordon & Kumail Nanjiani = whatevs
“Get Out,” Jordan Peele = yay
“Lady Bird,” Greta Gerwig = yay?
“The Shape of Water,” Guillermo del Toro, Vanessa Taylor = have Stuhlbarg monologue, will travel
“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri,” Martin McDonagh = barf!
Cinematography:
“Blade Runner 2049,” Roger Deakins = controversial ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
“Darkest Hour,” Bruno Delbonnel = pretend it’s for Inside Llewyn Davis
“Dunkirk,” Hoyte van Hoytema = and “most” cinematography
“Mudbound,” Rachel Morrison = yay
“The Shape of Water,” Dan Laustsen = made $19 million look like $20 million!
Full list of nominees here.
