Annual Professional Commentary on the Oscar Nominations (2013 edition)

by Bill Chambers

Best Motion Picture of the Year

Amour (2012): To Be Determined = sure

Argo (2012): Grant Heslov, Ben Affleck, George Clooney = shrug

Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012): Dan Janvey, Josh Penn, Michael Gottwald = barf

Django Unchained (2012): Stacey Sher, Reginald Hudlin, Pilar Savone = still haven't @!$#ing seen it

Les Misérables (2012): Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner, Debra Hayward, Cameron Mackintosh = barf

Life of Pi (2012): Gil Netter, Ang Lee, David Womark = hmmm

Lincoln (2012): Steven Spielberg, Kathleen Kennedy = you knew this was coming

Silver Linings Playbook (2012): Donna Gigliotti, Bruce Cohen, Jonathan Gordon = yawn

Zero Dark Thirty (2012): Mark Boal, Kathryn Bigelow, Megan Ellison = thumbs-up emoticon


Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

Bradley Cooper for Silver Linings Playbook (2012) = still not feeling him

Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln (2012) = yay

Hugh Jackman for Les Misérables (2012) = any of his turns as Wolvie are better than this

Joaquin Phoenix for The Master (2012) = big yay

Denzel Washington for Flight (2012/I) = yay

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

Jessica Chastain for Zero Dark Thirty (2012) = oh Maya

Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook (2012) = but she hates silent movies!

Emmanuelle Riva for Amour (2012) = sure

Quvenzhané Wallis for Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012) = not just a winged serpent anymore

Naomi Watts for The Impossible (2012) = wattage

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

Alan Arkin for Argo (2012) = argo you know the rest

Robert De Niro for Silver Linings Playbook (2012) = if it spurs him to be choosier, it's all good

Philip Seymour Hoffman for The Master (2012) = yay

Tommy Lee Jones for Lincoln (2012) = shrug

Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained (2012) = still haven't…sigh

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

Amy Adams for The Master (2012) = yay

Sally Field for Lincoln (2012) = lol

Anne Hathaway for Les Misérables (2012) = already won

Helen Hunt for The Sessions (2012) = Oscar loves Helen Hunt because someone has to

Jacki Weaver for Silver Linings Playbook (2012) = no

Best Achievement in Directing

Michael Haneke for Amour (2012) = wot will his cat say lol

Ang Lee for Life of Pi (2012) = a 3-D tiger anus is the backdoor to Oscar

David O. Russell for Silver Linings Playbook (2012) = because eight people screaming at each other doesn't direct itself

Steven Spielberg for Lincoln (2012) = shrug

Benh Zeitlin for Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012) = barf

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen

Amour (2012): Michael Haneke = how long was that script?

Django Unchained (2012): Quentin Tarantino = good thing they don't judge spelling

Flight (2012/I): John Gatins = drinker please

Moonrise Kingdom (2012): Wes Anderson, Roman Coppola = best screenplay written on cookie fortunes by woodland creatures sharing a vintage typewriter

Zero Dark Thirty (2012): Mark Boal = screenwriting is torture

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published

Argo (2012): Chris Terrio = this really should be under "original"

Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012): Lucy Alibar, Benh Zeitlin = I'll allow, for the immortal line "beast it!"

Life of Pi (2012): David Magee = originally the tiger had more dialogue

Lincoln (2012): Tony Kushner = got nothin' on "Our American Cousin"

Silver Linings Playbook (2012): David O. Russell = oy

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year

Brave (2012): Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman = whatevs

Frankenweenie (2012): Tim Burton = nah

ParaNorman (2012): Sam Fell, Chris Butler = yay

The Pirates! Band of Misfits (2012): Peter Lord = abstain

Wreck-It Ralph (2012): Rich Moore = abstain

Sitting out the rest, except…

Best Achievement in Makeup and Hairstyling

Hitchcock (2012): Howard Berger, Peter Montagna, Martin Samuel = ARE YOU HIGH?

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