King Kong Lives (1986) – DVD

ZERO STARS/**** Image B Sound A-
starring Linda Hamilton, Brian Kerwin, John Ashton, Peter Michael Goetz
screenplay by Ronald Shusett and Steven Pressfield
directed by John Guillermin

by Travis Mackenzie Hoover There are times when a critic watches a movie and realizes why he got into the racket–when, for instance, the film is made with intelligence and grace and humanity, and manages to bring him back to the world instead of forcing him into a false one. Then there are times when the critic watches King Kong Lives. This is a film that: has no reason to live; creates career opportunities for B-list actors and journeyman hack directors without a second thought for the paying audience; involves special effects that looked cheesy at the time and now, nearly 20 years later, look like a pantomime horse stomping on an electric train set; and is such a colossal waste of time and effort, you feel bitter and resentful towards the people who foisted it upon you for the purpose of mentioning it in print. The best thing to say about sitting through King Kong Lives is that you’ll know better than to ever do it again.

Should I really have to comment on a film involving an artificial heart for a giant ape? Apparently, after falling from the WTC in the 1976 remake (footage from which is thoughtfully included in King Kong Lives as a prologue), it was decided (for obscure reasons) to keep the comatose Kong alive. Now he needs a blood donor to complete the operation that will save his life. Fortunately, a female Kong is discovered in some jungle or another and rushed to America to complete the operation; unfortunately, the original King senses her and, horny, breaks his bonds to be with a possible mate. Naturally, this results in a few damaged buildings and crushed vehicles, incensing the authorities and resulting in good scientist Linda Hamilton and good industrialist Brian Kerwin being tediously pitted against the typically short-sighted gun-shooting military personnel eager to bring the ape mates down.

A critic should find some good things to mention, just to balance the bad, to draw attention to the few people firing on all cylinders when their employers aren’t paying attention. It ain’t happenin’ here. Try as I might, I can’t think of a single good thing to say about King Kong Lives. Not about John Guillermin’s flat and joyless direction, not about the script (bad enough to embarrass a Godzilla opus), not about the set design or the costume design or the atrocious special effects. Even the generally competent performances by Hamilton and Kerwin are uninvolved with the enterprise, the two actors getting away with what they can before they cut the checks. Nobody involved is giving consideration to cinema or craft or even entertainment–they’re thinking about getting paid, meaning niggling details like engaging the audience and pleasing a vision receive the cold shoulder. Obsessed with an ape from a much better movie, mega-producer Dino De Laurentiis clearly believed that the Kong myth could survive the most cursory treatment. King Kong Lives pretty much overturns that theory.

There was a time when I could’ve laughed at such a film, could’ve enjoyed the shoddiness of the writing and the jerrybuilt nature of the whole enterprise. It’s goofy, it’s campy…what’s not to like? But the more I see people unknowingly camp it up, the more embarrassed I feel for them–and the greater the frequency with which I’m asked to comment upon such camp, the less willing I am to indulge in it. There are too damned many good films that could be made with a fraction of the budget of King Kong Lives and its ilk, and random yuks taken on the side do not make up for that loss. I suppose that those who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like, but the only feeling I felt after watching King Kong Lives was numbness and anger at having been forced to endure something that no sensible human being would ever bother with. But here I am again, drawing attention to something that should be dropped into a pit and left there to rot. Here’s your review, Dino; I hope you’re satisfied.

THE DVD
Fox’s King Kong Lives disc squeaks by. Struck from Studio Canal archival elements, the 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer has a washed-out quality that grates, especially during the numerous phoney rear-projection shots. Fine detail is sharp enough to keep it from becoming a total loss, but still. Dolby Digital 5.1 and 2.0 surround mixes grace the disc, the former sounding surprisingly robust, if not exactly brilliantly articulated. There are, blissfully, no extras.

105 minutes; PG-13; 2.35:1 (16×9-enhanced); English DD 5.1, English Dolby Surround; CC; English subtitles; DVD-5; Region One; Fox