*/**** Image A- Sound A- Extras D+
starring Rob Schneider, Colleen Haskell, John C. McGinley, Guy Torry
screenplay by Tom Brady & Rob Schneider
directed by Luke Greenfield
by Travis Mackenzie Hoover There's not much to say about The Animal that hasn't been said a million times before about a million other cheap and lazy comedies. If you're even moderately discerning, you'll be groaning at the story of yet another nerdy schlub who once again achieves magical powers and, sure enough, finally gets the girl of his dreams; you'll also be rolling your eyes at the old jokes, tired scatological references, and boring un-PC swipes that dot the narrative like bird droppings. I know that I'm groaning and rolling my eyes at the prospect of writing about them, because there's not much to be proved here that isn't blindingly obvious: that making a comedy is no excuse for taking a holiday from wit and intelligence, and that bad filmmakers are seldom as funny on screen as they seem to themselves between takes.
Marvin Mange (Rob Schneider) is an archetypal loser who, despite his total lack of physical acumen or hand-eye coordination, dreams of being a great cop like his father. Everyone laughs at him, of course, but that can't stop him from dreaming–if only it could stop him from wetting himself on the obstacle course. But his wish comes true when he crashes his car while swerving to miss a seal; an experimental scientist (Michael Caton) discovers Marvin's broken body and mends it with various animal parts. Suddenly, Marvin becomes a supercop: he can run faster, jump higher, and has the phenomenal capacity to smell contraband jammed up people's rectums. However, the unfortunate side effect is that he reverts to "primal instincts," meaning he finds himself obsessed with food and sex. Could this be an obstacle to a relationship with veterinarian Rianna ("Survivor"'s Colleen Haskell)? Or does she have a secret that could prove them to be ideal mates?
Not exactly burning questions of our time, but we'd be happy to let them slide in exchange for a few good jokes. Problem is, none are on offer: the film entirely hinges on Schneider's astonishing capacity for self-degradation–anyone not looking for superiority over a circus geek will be in for an excruciating bad time. There's nothing really funny about Schneider's post-op hairy ass, or his having a fat woman's posterior pushed in his face before an obstacle course; nor is there much humour to be gleaned from his spontaneously humping a mailbox, or tearing through the garbage in search of chicken bones. It's all basically high-school ranking on the lead, even as he allegedly climbs the ladder to success. Unless you're a jock looking for cheap mean thrills, you'll be simultaneously annoyed at and embarrassed for the hapless protagonist as he lights the pyre for his own sacrifice.
The Animal offers few compensatory pleasures that detract from the main event. True, John C. McGinley gives his all in his role as Schneider's partner and master tormentor, but without the lines to back him up his efforts go nowhere; poor Ed Asner, as the dotty chief of police, somehow winds up even more degraded than Schneider with his follow-ups to the protagonist's own openers. As for matters of style, the reigning principle seems to be that comedies shouldn't have them–it's one of those brightly-lit natural-light laughers that try to "stay out of the way of the material" instead of trying to support it, meaning that every character looks like a withered side of beef and every vulgar joke seems more raw and less funny. And while tit-fiends everywhere will be thrilled that four naked breasts have made it into the "uncut" version now on DVD, I would much rather see a somewhat more edited version–one that would reduce the film to guitar picks. Take it from me, this Animal is a vegetable; if only someone would take it off life support.
THE DVD
Columbia TriStar's new DVD of The Animal does reasonably well for itself. If there's a slight softness to its anamorphic image (letterboxed at 1.85:1), there's also excellent saturation of the colours–no small feat for a film with such a bland yet haphazard palette. The Dolby Digital 5.1 sound is equally fine in terms of sharpness and timbre, and though it doesn't really exploit the surround channels to any serious degree, that has more to do with a limited original mix than with any failing of the disc proper.
As for extras, there are two (!) commentary tracks on board, one by director Luke Greenfield and the other by star Rob Schneider. As far as information is concerned, there's more in the latter than in the former–Greenfield is vague beyond detailing how little of the film stuck to storyboards and what was re-shot, making Schneider's explanation of the logistics of certain jokes seem all the more thorough. Nevertheless, both are deluded as to the quality of the film, with Schneider especially patting himself on the back for some seriously lame jokes.
Additional supplements: four deleted scenes, all of them just as bad as the rest of the film; a 22-minute episode of Comedy Central's "Reel Comedy", which bombards you with clips from the movie you've just bought as well as catastrophically unfunny scenes of Schneider visiting the animal "stars" in their dressing rooms; a 9-minute making-of from J.M. Kenny that offers no real information beyond that the director was pleasant; the "What's in Marvin?" game, less a game than pathways to more deleted scenes of Marvin exhibiting animal traits (and like the rest, not very funny); and trailers for The Animal, Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights, Anger Management, The New Guy, and Stripes.
84 minutes; Unrated; 1.85:1 (16×9-enhanced); English DD 5.1; CC; English, French subtitles; DVD-9; Region One; Columbia TriStar
