*/**** Image A- Sound A-
starring Dave Thomas, Faith Ford, Daveigh Chase, Tom Poston
screenplay by Elana Lesser and Cliff Ruby
directed by Mark Griffiths
by Travis Mackenzie Hoover Okay, everyone: hands up all of you who need a review of any film starring a slobbering St. Bernard.
No dog lovers who need a sign of quality to intensify their pet love? No cineastes pondering the cinematic possibilities of doggie drool?
Shucks–I was sure that somebody was going to justify my penning an ode to Beethoven's 5th, just as I was sure that somebody needed the bloody thing in the first place. But as my little survey of both film and audience has proven, there are some people for whom wet canines are irresistible fun, and there are some for whom their presence spells disaster–and they all know who they are. As I'm sure you've figured out, I stand squarely in the latter category.
Maybe the problem is with me. I somehow managed to miss Beethovens one through four, so perhaps it improves when related back to its predecessors–but I seriously doubt that any intertextual revelations could save this thing. For starters, it begins with a twelve year-old girl (Daveigh Chase) on a bus with the eponymous drool factory; as the mutt raises minor havoc involving people's lunches, you realize that this is going to be one of those genteel kids' movies in which things happen without any weight. Sure enough, her uncle (played by Dave Thomas) picks her up for summer vacation (long story) and is revealed to be a slob, although the trash in his house is artfully arranged and stains never seem to be an issue. We have clearly disappeared into some bizarro world where pain and discomfort are never an issue, keeping the stakes hovering somewhere around the level of pennies.
This is underlined by the fact that the uncle's hometown of Quicksilver is populated by weirdos–assuming that the judge for weirdness is Norman Rockwell, or maybe Spiro Agnew. Everything is on such a leash that it doesn't even register when Beethoven finds evidence of cash hidden by a pair of Bonnie and Clyde-esque bank robbers; while it ensures that the "freaks," of course, jump into high gear, it also requires a series of frustrating red herrings that defeat any attempt at narrative interest. And while Thomas gets a love interest to pass the time (straight-arrow cop Faith Ford is the object of desire), it's basically a series of too-tame series of brushes with non-eccentric eccentrics. The most subversive thing in the movie is the dog, whose genuine drool is refreshingly repellent amidst the phoney gush of the rest of the film.
Pauline Kael once remarked that it would be impossible for young people to appreciate movies if they only saw the ones aimed at them. Beethoven's 5th is a prime example of why: feed your kids a steady diet of this and they will become too cowardly for anything with wit and bite. But it's fruitless to point this out, because the dog lovers of this world need only fur and slobber to raise their flagpoles. The rest, meanwhile, have better sense than to expose themselves to something so limited, leaving me with the unenviable task of talking to myself on an Internet review site. Please drop me a line if you read this; I'm feeling somewhat lonely.
THE DVD
Universal's transfer of the film gets by surprisingly well. The picture–presented in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen–is remarkably well defined and lustrous considering the production's status as a cash-cow afterthought, with the largely earth-toned production and costume design coming through with warm saturation. The Dolby Digital 5.1 sound, while uncomplicated, is surprisingly robust, the rear channels strangely harmonious with the rest of the mix. As for extras, a 12-minute featurette bills itself as "It's a Dog's Life: The Making of Beethoven's 5th", but it's really a mash note to working with dogs–all of the principals are trotted out to gush about the titular St. Bernard, with the dog's trainer enlisted as enthusiastic support. An unremarkable 3-minute selection of bloopers and the film's trailer round out the disc.
91 minutes; PG; 1.85:1 (16×9-enhanced); English DD 5.1, French DD 5.1, Spanish DD 5.1; English SDH, French, Spanish subtitles; DVD-5; Region One; Universal
