GHOULIES
*/**** Image B Sound A-
starring Peter Liapis, Lisa Pelikan, Michael Des Barres, Jack Nance
screenplay by Luca Bercovici and Jefery Levy
directed by Luca Bercovici
GHOULIES II
*½/**** Image B Sound B+
starring Damon Martin, Royal Dano, Phil Fondacaro, J. Downing
screenplay by Charlie Dolan and Dennis Paoli
directed by Albert Band
TROLL
**/**** Image B+ Sound B+
starring Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hack, Jenny Beck
screenplay by Albert Band
directed by John Buechler
TROLL 2
ZERO STARS/**** Image B+ Sound C
starring Michael Stephenson, Connie McFarland, George Hardy, Margo Prey
written and directed by Drago Lloyd
by Travis Mackenzie Hoover What's the only thing worse than a DVD of a bad '80s monster movie? A DVD with two of them. That's the conclusion I've reached after subjecting myself to some warmed-over chillers recently unleashed on disc–detritus from or inspired by the defunct B-mill Empire Pictures that only Forrest J. Ackerman could love. I'd like to say that they're enjoyably tacky nostalgia items for those old enough to barely remember them, but the truth is that they skimp on the crass goods that make a good bad movie: attempting to find a broader audience through a PG-13 rating, they lack the sex and violence that a true exploitation film would deliver, and the films are so cheap that the remaining attraction of monster effects are by necessity curtailed. What's left are scripts and direction at best enervating and at worst maddening.
While Ghoulies is the best-known of the quartet, it's remembered less for its filmic qualities than for its unforgettable ad campaign: a bald, green monster emerging from a toilet, complete with the slogan "They'll get you in the end!" Coming hot on the heels of Gremlins, it suggested an irresistible combination of little monsters running amuck and potty humour–thus setting up a host of 13-year-old boys for the disappointment of their lives. Instead of the promised creature bash, the film delivers some tedious stuff about devil worship: a young man, progeny of a deceased coven leader, inherits the house where some black shenanigans took place and slowly becomes obsessed with performing similar stunts. Yes, boys and girls, there's plot to this thing, and it becomes so wrapped up in setting up its shaky internal logic that it forgets to do anything else.
So much time elapses before we get to anything resembling a sustained ghoulie assault that we begin to despair of getting our money's worth–it's all deadly stuff about the protagonist dropping out of school, and learning the rituals, and inviting friends over to use as part of said rituals, all shot through the style-deficient lens of Luca Bercovici and interpreted by actors whose performances are a new achievement in wood. Worse, the eponymous turd-shaped monsters disappoint completely: their one big attack scene makes them seem as threatening as a Tickle-Me Elmo. Creature maven John Buechler clearly lacked the means to do the ghoulies properly, and the resulting puppet-monsters are so limited in their movements that they fail completely to convince–not, you'll agree, the best way to go for a creature feature.
Despite all this, Ghoulies managed to ring the box-office bell to the tune of $30-million–a substantial sum for 1985, making a sequel inevitable. The resulting Ghoulies II, thoughtfully included on the flipside of the "original's" disc, is marginally superior to its predecessor–though making the distinction is rather like deciding a preference between this or that fascist dictator. There's a bit more creature action this time, as the ghoulies hitch a ride with a carnival and set up shop in its floundering House of Horrors; naturally, their goo-and-blood rampage inside whips the turnstiles into a blur. The plot is slightly less bare-bones than it was in part I, encompassing some low-level shots at capitalists (a ruthless businessman threatens to shut down the unprofitable fright-house), and a little feeble intrigue involving an alcoholic carny worker (gamely played by Royal Dano) that marks time between monster attacks with slightly more skill.
But really, who am I kidding? The film is still a crashing bore, an afterthought to an afterthought that veers from "Scooby-Doo" set-up to hugely unconvincing plot turns. Everything about the film is perfunctory, from the honest-folk vs. soulless corporate type subplot to the "colourful" supporting characters (such as the dwarf performer (Phil Fondacaro) with the Shakespearian diction) and the young heroes who are ennobled by the word "bland." Perhaps sensing this, the producers have thoughtfully provided a finale in which we get a human-size ghoulie to offer compensatory menace, but by then it's far too late: tone down the violence and the occasional sexual wisecrack, and you have something that could play at your local library to an audience of knee-biters. The only horror lies in knowing that some innocent could rent it in the belief that it might actually induce fear.
Troll is the best of this bad lot, because it at least gives the impression that it's trying: Ed Naha's script, though no masterpiece, makes attempts at sitcom-level wit, and has a concept bizarre enough to wonder what the pitch meeting might have been like. As a family (Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hack, pubescent boy, little girl) moves into a new apartment, the youngest child is replaced with a shape-shifting troll, who sets to turning the building into the gateway to a new troll-centric reality. Really. This means turning the has-beens and soon-to-be's in the building (Sonny Bono, Gary Sandy, Julia Louis-Dreyfus) into little monsters and making their apartments into leafy green portals to somewhere just north of Middle Earth; it's up to the gawky boy and a white witch who lives upstairs (June Lockhart) to ensure the world remains troll-free.
At least this movie keeps you waiting to see what nutty thing it'll do next. If nothing else, it offers the singularly bizarre spectacle of Sonny Bono transforming into a giant chrysalis. (To say nothing of Julia Louis-Dreyfus as a wood nymph). Monster maven Buechler directs here, and he knows that the kids want monsters, so he serves up one well-capitalized troll and a few lesser beasts emerging from various cocoons. There are also some ill-conceived but interesting resonances derived from casting Phil Fondacaro in a dual role as an English professor and the troll itself, and from making the rare film in which a woman mentors a boy. There's not enough skill in either writing or direction to make it a real movie, but it's at least worth renting with a bunch of friends and a generously-sized bong to intensify the weirdness.
Whatever its shortcomings, Troll is a masterpiece compared to its would-be sequel. Shot a full six years after the first film made a slight dent on video, it's a staggeringly inept piece of filmmaking, full of overacting, inane plot twists and a total lack of filmmaking skill accentuated by its micro-minuscule budget. A city-slicker family has been invited to take part in an exchange with a family from a country town (which happens all the time, I'm sure), despite the young son's visions of dead grandfather warning them not to go. The town, however, is called Nilbog, which is goblin spelled backwards, and it turns out that its denizens are goblins in human form who seek to turn the hapless vacationers into vegetables so that they might be eaten. It's up to the kid–assuming that you're still watching at this point–to expose this flimsy ruse and save his embattled family.
Flimsy, as it turns out, is a word that can be applied to most elements of this production, which betrays a complete lack of the most rudimentary understanding of story construction and film aesthetics. For bad-film buffs, this is manna from heaven: Troll 2 ricochets from one out-of-left-field development to another, stretches its limited financial means well past breaking point, and in general creates an insane camp universe in which the rules of logic do not apply. Not easily forgotten is the scene where a lone teenage boy is seduced by an eye-rolling seductress with a tainted cob of corn; as they munch on the phallic cob with deranged glee, a popping noise appears on the soundtrack and stagehands toss popcorn into the frame as the pair, um, smoulders. It's tempting to say that the film might be better on drugs, but believe me: hallucinogens are entirely superfluous to the non-stop meshugas afforded by this film. Don't say I didn't warn you.
THE DVDs
![Troll / Troll 2 (Double Feature) [DVD]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51J69m82wjL._SL500_QL70_ML2_.jpg)
The transfers themselves are a mixed bag. Ghoulies is a passable-looking disc, though its 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer lacks some fine detail and is chromatically rather muted; the 2.0 mono mix is serviceable but unspectacular, a clear and unobstructed listen that otherwise fails to distinguish itself. Flip the disc over, however, and you'll find Ghoulies II to be the better bet audio-visually, as well. While there's still a little loss of detail, the colours are extremely vivid for a film of such a low priority. The sound improves somewhat as well, as the stereo surround mix finds a semi-creative use for music and ghoulie noise.
Troll's transfer falls somewhere between two extremes: its image lacks the blandness of the GI disc while falling short of the brilliant colours of GII, making for a 1.85:1 anamorphic image that is better than mediocre but well short of exceptional; alas, the stereo surround mix is quite mediocre, lacking the sharpness and clarity that one desires in a film chock-full of grunting gnomes. Turn this platter over and you'll find a 1.85:1, 16×9-enhanced picture of Troll 2 that is surprisingly good considering the general ineptitude of the production. Though there's only so much it can do with the bland and muddy visuals, I'm willing to wager that there's more fine detail here than was visible in the (hopefully few) theatrical prints. The mono sound, on the other hand, is unsalvageable, and while they've cleaned it up fairly well for the DVD, it's still the work of people who can barely press the "record" button. The only extras on both discs are a trailer each for the respective films contained therein.
- Ghoulies/Ghoulies II
89/87 minutes; R; 1.85:1 (16×9-enhanced); English DD 2.0 (Mono)/English Dolby Surround; CC; English, French, Spanish subtitles; DVD-10; Region One; MGM - Troll/Troll 2
83/95 minutes; PG-13; 1.85:1 (16×9-enhanced); English Dolby Surround/English DD 2.0 (Mono); CC; English, French, Spanish subtitles; DVD-10; Region One; MGM
