*/**** Image B Sound B
starring Kristy Swanson, Brandy Ledford, Cameron Daddo, Stephen Baldwin
screenplay by Claire Montgomery & Monte Montgomery
directed by Kari Skogland
by Bill Chambers
"He is the straightest and most law-abiding citizen…in the world!"
-Wendy Barnet (Brandy Ledford), assessing her husband's degree of innocence to a police detective
Zebra Lounge zippers shut the body bag around Stephen Baldwin's career and confirms that Canadian filmmakers are no longer capable of good trash (director Kari Skogland is a veteran of the Saltine-dry Canuck TV show "Nothing Too Good for a Cowboy"), but most of all, it's suffocatingly dull. This film should have a "do not operate heavy machinery" warning-label superimposed on it at all times. The made-for-cable movie marks not only the first time I have fallen asleep during a sex scene but also the first time I have fallen asleep during two consecutive sex scenes, neither of which takes place in the rarely-mentioned titular night spot. Zebra Lounge could've been called anything, so phenomenally generic are its subject matter, dialogue, and execution. Even the score, by someone named John McCarthy, sounds like it came out of a can.
Yuppie parents Wendy and Alan (Brandy Ledford and Cameron Daddo), overfamiliar with each other's bodies but still very much in love, seek a foursome to spice up their sex life. They place an ad in a swinger's magazine and receive the most promising response from Jack (the perpetually Joker-grinned Baldwin) and Louise (proto-Buffy Kristy Swanson), a couple with "dirty minds and clean bodies." After Wendy and Alan pair off with Jack and Louise, respectively, over one quote-unquote thrilling evening, Jack and Louise turn into a tag-team Fatal Attraction, introducing themselves to Wendy and Alan's children as "Uncle Jack and Aunt Louise," loitering in Alan's workplace, et cetera, until finally: the standard psycho-thriller showdown.
The movies, especially these kinds of movies, tip the bad guy's hand too early these days. About a week ago, I watched the Leelee Sobieski starrer The Glass House, in which the Sobieski character's new guardian is planning to fleece her of her trust fund and all but reveals this immediately, to Leelee and to us. The transparency of it feels brutally cynical. In Zebra Lounge, you have a story about obsession that is once and always about obsession–neither the plot nor Jack and Lou evolve, it's just the set-pieces that get bigger. Today's impatient screenwriters deserve today's attention-deficient audiences.
THE DVD
Columbia TriStar's DVD release of Zebra Lounge contains a 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer that starts off grainy but quickly improves, although the image won't knock your socks off at any point. Ledford's tasteful nude scenes register with clarity. The Dolby Digital 5.1 mix showcases the Z-grade techno score with acceptable-to-good bass; overall, the soundtrack has little business to conduct in the rear channels. Extras include director and select cast filmographies, an overheated trailer, and a gallery of production photos, each obstructed by faux newspaper ads.
92 minutes; R; 1.85:1 (16×9-enhanced); English DD 5.1, English Dolby Surround, Spanish Dolby Surround; CC; English, Spanish subtitles; DVD-5; Region One; Columbia TriStar
