The Bachelor (1999) – DVD

*/**** Image A+ Sound A-
starring Chris O'Donnell, Renee Zellweger, Hal Holbrook, James Cromwell
screenplay by Steve Cohen
directed by Gary Sinyor

by Bill Chambers It begins with a misleading visual straight out of City Slickers: a herd of mustangs, all racing towards "a patch"–signifying single men trying to get laid. But no stud, we learn through voiceover, can evade marriage forever, and following the introduction of young entrepreneur Jimmie (Chris O'Donnell) and his happy, similarly-unwed circle of (male) friends, a quick montage intercuts scenes of holy matrimony seizing every last one of them–save Jimmie–with the wrangling of stallions.

Later, a horde of potential brides, all decked out in white, will sub for these horses, confusing analogies in the process. But mixed metaphors are the least of The Bachelor's problems, which also include failed stunt-casting (the camera stays on O'Donnell's face for the majority of Mariah Carey's embarrassing cameo as an opera singer) and trite dialogue. Suggested by Buster Keaton's 1925 Seven Chances, the movie should have taken another cue from that silent classic and shut the fuck up.

Jimmie realizes it's time to "shit or get off the pot" with Anne (Renee Zellweger), his long-time girlfriend, but he bungles the marriage proposal by saying as much. Days later his cranky grandfather (Peter Ustinov, overexerting himself) dies, entitling Jimmie to a $100 million fortune–so long as he is married by 6:05 PM on his thirtieth birthday. Having failed to win Anne back, and with only 24 hours to get hitched, Jimmie combs San Francisco in search of a wife, his best friend (Artie Lange) and a priest (James Cromwell) in tow. Maybe the trouble is that he's looking in San Francisco.

The Bachelor caught flack during its theatrical release for a climax that depicts select women as greedy, slobbering psychos, yet a two-hour special called "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" has since proven this mediocre comedy venture eerily prescient. Other avenues of the story could use such sting, such as Jimmie's Hollywood-horseshit reason for not giving up on the inheritance: to save his company from corporate takeover, thus preventing hundreds of employees from losing their jobs! So much for the vicarious thrill.

Jimmie's reaction to Anne after she challenges his second proposal is too improbable to set any kind of believable farce in motion: She asks him if he's really ready to tie the knot, and he responds by staring at her blankly. So, she bolts. Time is of the essence, and if Jimmie really wanted that money–er, to prevent those layoffs–he surely could have mustered some faux-sincerity. And what of Anne's desire to receive her ring at the Starlight Room, a restaurant where couples get engaged en masse? If she's really such a stickler for the grand gesture, wouldn't this be the last place on Earth she'd want Jimmie to pop the question, where marriage proposals are a dime a dozen? Maybe the problem is in fact with Anne and not Jimmie, which a better film would at least consider.

Capped by adolescent narration (delivered with atonal zeal by O'Donnell) full of sub-"Iron John" sentiments about manliness, The Bachelor leaves a gross, Tim Allen aftertaste. The quiet, sweet, dependable Cromwell, in addition to Hal Holbrook as a humorous old coot, both briefly lift the movie up, though even they cannot enliven an interminable sequence featuring a broad Brooke Shields as a haughty blue blood. All those lassos on hand and no one could rein in Suddenly Susan?

THE DVD
New Line's DVD is fantastic, their 2000-best thus far in terms of image quality. Letterboxed at 1.85:1 and enhanced for 16×9 TVs (a full frame version is also contained on the same side of an RSDL disc), The Bachelor's digital transfer at least makes enduring the film a visual treat. Top marks for colour, contrast, and detail (no edge-enhancement detected); check out chapter 24, a boat ride in the park, and you'll be spoiled forever.

The 5.1 Dolby Digital soundmix is not strong on surround or bass effects (I couldn't tell if there was any split activity in the rear channels), though it has impact nonetheless. (Certainly more than does the Dolby 2.0 Surround alternative.) All extras besides trailers for The Bachelor and In Love and War (both are 5.1 and anamorphic) and some cast and crew bios are relegated to DVD-ROM: script-to-screen access; The Bachelor's website; and up-to-the-minute bios.

102 minutes; PG-13; 1.85:1 (16×9-enhanced); English DD 5.1, English Dolby Surround; CC; English subtitles; DVD-9; Region One; New Line