*½/**** Image B- Sound B-
starring Julian Sands, Chris Young, Paula Marshall, Joanna Pacula
screenplay by Kevin Rock and Sam Bernard
directed by Anthony Hickox
by Bill Chambers
"In the old days, warriors would make love before going off to battle."
That's from Warlock: The Armageddon. And here's another one:
"My father killed me and brought me back to life. Now I'm, like, a zombie, and I have to save the world from total destruction!"
If I told you those were two things the main character says to get into a girl's pants, would you believe me?
There are certain pleasures one can only derive from otherwise-superfluous follow-ups to mediocre horror flicks. The Prophecy II, for instance, was worth watching just for the line, "You brought me back to life because you don't know Windows95?" Leprechaun III saw the title villain getting chummy with an Elvis impersonator in Vegas. I admit that I was tempted to shut off Warlock: The Armageddon at various points in the film, not for a lack of entertainment value but because I could and should be doing better things with my time. If I hadn't toughed it out, I would've missed:
- A woman having her entire scalp torn off after asking how her hair looks
- A man getting turned into a sculpture
- A dwarf's impaling
- A boy who is not Luke Skywalker being trained to lift rocks and the like with his mind
Merchant-Ivory veteran Julian Sands returns as Warlock, the titular son of Satan. He's on a mission to retrieve some ancient stones that will release his father from imprisonment in Hell during a solar eclipse. Didn't the Warlock die in the last movie? you ask. Well, in body, maybe, but not in (literal) spirit, which rapes a woman who then (re)births him. (This scene probably inspired Warlock: The Armageddon's double-entendre tagline, "When he comes–all hell breaks loose.") Covered in womb-goo, the man-sized baby queries his frightened mother, "Aren't you going to give your boy a kiss?" In a lucky coincidence, the grizzled owners of a local occult bookstore (including Peckinpah veteran R. G. Armstrong) have been expecting the Warlock's return and are gung-ho to train a teenaged boy (Chris Young) and teenaged girl (the lovely Paula Marshall, late of "Cupid") to fight him.
To describe or dissect this movie further would be fruitless, really. If you've seen The Prophecy II, if you've seen The Bride of Chucky, if you've seen any of the Leprechaun sequels, you know what's in store, at least structurally. As someone who grew up reading FANGORIA, I am happy to report that Warlock: The Armaggedon is extremely violent, a throwback to lawless slasher pictures of the early Eighties. (Funny extremely violent, not disturbing extremely violent. Having said that, my sense of humour is possibly more morbid than yours.) There's even a little bit of nudity. According to a recent magazine article, Warlock: The Armageddon is the one movie Sands wishes he hadn't done, in a career that includes Boxing Helena, Dario Argento's pitiful The Phantom of the Opera, and Vibes. Pornography's probably more fun to watch than to make.
THE DVD
I'm not sure how Trimark managed this, but Warlock: The Armageddon is a special achievement in DVD for the following reason: Contained within are technically three versions of the film–1.33:1 fullscreen, 1.85: 1 letterbox, and 16×9-enhanced widescreen. What's amazing is that the trio of aspect ratios are piled atop each other on a single side of a single layer. With a touch of the "aspect" button, one can switch between standard and widescreen 1 or 2. (The studio did not identify this forward-thinking feature anywhere on the packaging.)
The picture quality is not exactly stunning, and in fact the 4:3 blow-up does result in overstated grain and more noticeable compression artifacts. (4:3 is the default aspect ratio, for what it's worth.) The disc is far from unwatchable, however, and the carnival slaying (chapter 14) looks terrific. While the image generally suffers from low contrast and breakup in complex lighting conditions, the untrained eye is likely to gloss over these flaws.
The audio is two-channel Dolby Surround. There is distinct left-front right separation and occasional use of the rear channel (especially during the third act), plus a surprisingly significant amount of bass. Dialogue is imbalanced: Marshall, who frequently sounds dubbed, is at times less audible than her co-stars. Thankfully, Sands is never difficult to make out–the actor speaks loudly and enunciates every ridiculous word of his dialogue. The only extras are a trailer for Warlock: Armageddon, a trailer for Cube (I've ruined the Easter egg surprise, but I won't tell you how to get to it), and an animated menu whose soundtrack is so obnoxious I couldn't get it out of my head.
98 minutes; R; 1.85:1 (16×9-enhanced), 1.33:1; English Dolby Surround; English, French, Spanish subtitles; DVD-5; Region One; Trimark
