"He is the straightest and most law-abiding citizen...in the world!"
-Wendy Barnet (Brandy Ledford), assessing her husband's degree of innocence to a police detective

Zebra Lounge zips shut the body bag around Stephen Baldwin's career and confirms that Canadian filmmakers are incapable of good trash (director Kari Skogland is a veteran of the Saltine-dry Canuck TV show "Nothing Too Good for a Cowboy"), but most of all, it suffocates us in tedium: the film should have a "do not operate heavy machinery" warning label superimposed on it at all times. The movie marks not only the first time that I have fallen asleep during a sex scene, but also the first time I have fallen asleep during two consecutive sex scenes, neither of which takes place in the rarely mentioned titular night spot. Zebra Lounge could've been called anything, so phenomenally generic is its subject matter, dialogue, and execution. Even the score, by someone named John McCarthy, sounds like it popped out of a can.

Yuppie parents Wendy and Alan (Brandy Ledford and Cameron Daddo), overfamiliar with one another's bodies but still very much in love, seek a foursome to spice up their sex life. They place an ad in a swinger's magazine and receive the most promising response from Jack (Baldwin, who would require prosthetic make-up to play the Joker prior to his plunge into toxic waste in Batman) and Louise (Kristy Swanson), a couple with "dirty minds and clean bodies." After Wendy and Alan pair off with Jack and Louise, respectively, over one thrilling evening, Jack and Louise turn into a tag-team "Fatal Attraction," introducing themselves to Wendy and Alan's children as "Uncle Jack and Aunt Louise," loitering in Alan's workplace, etc. Until finally, it's the standard showdown.

The movies, especially these kinds of movies, tip the bad guy's hand right away now. About a week ago, I reviewed the Leelee Sobieski starrer The Glass House, in which the Sobieski character's new guardian is planning to fleece her of her trust fund and all but reveals this immediately, to us and to Leelee. In Zebra Lounge, you have a story about obsession that is once and always about obsession--neither the plot nor Jack and Lou evolve, it's the set-pieces that get bigger. Today's impatient screenwriters deserve today's attention-deficient audiences.

Columbia Tri-Star's DVD release of Zebra Lounge contains a 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer that starts off grainy but quickly improves, though the image is not going to knock you out at any point. Ledford's nude scenes register with clarity. The Dolby Digital 5.1 mix showcases the Z-grade techno score with acceptable-to-good bass; overall, the soundtrack has little business to conduct in the rear channels. Extras include director and select cast filmographies, an overheated trailer, and a gallery of production photos, each obstructed by faux newspaper ads.-Bill Chambers