The sell-by date on a big-screen version of Jim Davis' flyblown syndicated comic strip-cum-merchandising empire "Garfield" expired at least twenty years ago, explaining in part why this Bill Murray-voiced abomination looks and acts so much like a giant hunk of rotten meat. It's corpse-soft, shambling along without much direction from its jellied brain, instantly alienating children with its snarky in-jokes about the cat's once-ubiquitous advertising appeal and pissing off adults with its die-cast dedication to being as worthless as possible. Parceled off in little segments that approximate the rat-a-tat texture and length of the Sunday funnies but without the colour and for about seventeen times the price and potential headache, Garfield is trying so hard that it transfers its strain to anyone unfortunate enough to have gotten to the theatre after their first three choices were already sold-out.

And yet, its incompetence as comedy, romance, adaptation, and entertainment are merely the handmaidens to the streak of mean-spiritedness that runs through it as the only coherent leitmotif besides tediousness. The picture assumes a familiarity and affection for the titular tabby (and why not? Only Christian children who aren't allowed to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and lonely middle-aged women working towards making the news for being buried under the ten-dozen cats they've adopted will watch this movie on purpose), hoping that its pre-programmed audience will think it adorable when the feline hero is as unpleasant and, in fact, evil as the perfunctory villain (Stephen Tobolowsky). I remember a lot of people loving "Garfield" when I was in sixth grade; I remember when it was the height of performance wit to stick a spread-eagled, suction-cupped Garfield to the back window of mom's car. But just as I'm not betting on the potential of a Pet Rock or "Baby on Board" movie, I'm not betting on a sudden resurgence of interest in a long-comatose strip that battles "Family Circus," "Hagar the Horrible," and "Marmaduke" weekly in terms of most-appalling artifacts of the popular taste.

There is a whiff of the resigned to Garfield: The Movie, a project in the pipes for so long that its final creation is more a result of just getting it over with than any hint of inspiration or passion. Breckin Meyer plays Garfield's beleaguered milquetoast of an owner Jon with the kind of embarrassment generally reserved for Patrick Stewart's attempts to crack the big screen, and Jennifer Love Hewitt, as love-interest Liz, perfects her skill for conjuring and banishing a toothy smile for every word in a sentence. Since she wears more teeny dresses than any veterinarian on the job probably should, the distracting fact of CGI Garfield's (the sole all-computer element in the film, harking back to the triumph of Jar Jar Binks) complete lack of anus and genitalia is suddenly understandable--if my dog's vet dressed like Liz, I'd go in for a lot of bizarre elective surgery, too. The flick inspires peculiar skylarks, the moment or two a Bill Murray ad-lib scores also the moment or two where Murray is at his most surreal: a wandering mind only natural, it's also the only possible defense.-Walter Chaw

Garfield - widescreen vs. fullscreen (inset)

Garfield arrives on DVD from Fox Video in identically-mastered 1.84:1 anamorphic widescreen and fullscreen (labelled pan-and-scan) presentations on the same side of a dual-layered platter. The familiar disclaimer about opinions expressed within interviews and/or commentaries not belonging to the studio precedes the film, which is odd considering that there aren't any supplements specific to Garfield on board. (Is Fox playing pass the buck with the movie itself?) UPDATE: The disc does in fact contain a commentary track, access to which is buried under the language options. Therein, director Peter Hewitt and producer John Davis are largely uninterested in discussing anything other than the special effects. Perhaps in response to the common criticism that Dean Cundey's cinematography wasn't colourful enough, Garfield looks a little oversaturated on the format, though the title character isn't as affected by the exaggerated palette as skin tones are. Other facets of the transfer fare better; smooth detail and contrast combine to produce an image that's really quite film-like. Alas, the Dolby Digital 5.1 soundmix is wholly unmemorable, if also nothing less than acceptable. Promo reels for other Fox flicks, "Bratz!", and "Strawberry Shortcake" precede the main menu, while production featurettes on the upcoming family releases Robots (a CGI cartoon from Ice Age director Chris Wedge) and Because of Winn-Dixie (a dog movie directed by--drumroll--Wayne Wang) and the video for Baha Men's "Holla!" round out the disc. Find the latter three bonus items under "Inside Look."-Bill Chambers

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